its hard to see life changing cos it happens every day in small bits, bt reading ur old diary nd blog that covers like half a decade is the biggest shock ever.
i never got it, how people thought my life was interesting or exciting. i think the everyday dullness of my life made it entertaining for the people reading this blog. i got a bit freaked out last summer by someone, who after giving me the worst advice ever to try and fuck things up for me, decided to turn up at my old work to try nd stalk me or something. fml just my luck to get a fat bald smelly stalker, where are all the hot bieber lookalike stalkers who are addicted to raping their victims?!
i stopped posting often about a year ago, but didnt stop writing. 141 unpublished.
i did a bad thing last year, that has changed my life in a way i never thought possible. the thing i released this morning is that deep down i dont really think what i did was *that* bad. this realisation is like ive found the forget it and move on switch inside my head.
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Thursday, 17 February 2011
pretty good
thanx for all the emails. im not dead or anything lol.
life is pretty good atm, working for frank again, and me nd sops are lookn at renting a flat in oxford. prob end up on blackbird leys cos everything near me is well expensive. but will be well good. not told dad nd val cos think they will think im rushing in to things but i love sops to bits nd we are well besties :)
so much has happened to me since the summer and its like my life now is nothing like my old one. thinking about blogging properly again but im not gonna lie, its sorta been nice not having to think about blogging. but then some days i miss it loads, and u guys are great cos u all email me to check im ok and stuff.
for ages i wantd a boyfriend more than anything in the world. but ben hurt me a lot cos he lied about a lot of stuff about his life and then i found out hes done porn and everything and it just made me feel shit. just felt weird knowing thousands of ppl have seen him naked and it just feels like its not special for us. he is propr wrong in the head nd even tho we are friends a bit i dont see him that often.
em has had an abortion even tho they all think i do know, i do cos i saw the letter and it nearly caused them to split up cos matt hates stuff like that. so much shit happening in this house no wonder i want to leave.
life is pretty good atm, working for frank again, and me nd sops are lookn at renting a flat in oxford. prob end up on blackbird leys cos everything near me is well expensive. but will be well good. not told dad nd val cos think they will think im rushing in to things but i love sops to bits nd we are well besties :)
so much has happened to me since the summer and its like my life now is nothing like my old one. thinking about blogging properly again but im not gonna lie, its sorta been nice not having to think about blogging. but then some days i miss it loads, and u guys are great cos u all email me to check im ok and stuff.
for ages i wantd a boyfriend more than anything in the world. but ben hurt me a lot cos he lied about a lot of stuff about his life and then i found out hes done porn and everything and it just made me feel shit. just felt weird knowing thousands of ppl have seen him naked and it just feels like its not special for us. he is propr wrong in the head nd even tho we are friends a bit i dont see him that often.
em has had an abortion even tho they all think i do know, i do cos i saw the letter and it nearly caused them to split up cos matt hates stuff like that. so much shit happening in this house no wonder i want to leave.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
(29) days of summer
got like 999999 messages from u guys, nd i know theres loads i havent replied to, but i read them all, nd it sorta makes me feel nice that there are so many ppl that think about me and want me to be happy.
so much stuff has happened this summer and its been the hardest thing ever in my life. ive still been blogging most days but im not yet ready to press 'publish'. ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head.
basically alex isnt gay and he told his mum everything and she phoned dad about me. he knows everything and thinks its just a phase and im not really gay. ive been to a counsellor to talk and it was ok, but now ive got to start going every week. hes hardly saying much to me but is treating me differently and said i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs :( he prob thinks ive got aids or something just from thinking about getting bummed.
ffs he told matt and em everything as well, so they propr think im a perv and a freak :-( matt has talked to me loads tho and he told me on sunday night that he always sorta knew and that i should be gay if i want to be and not let anyone persuade me to be striaght. i dont know anymore and i just feel shit and dad is giving me stress about carrying on the family surname and saying how upset mum would have been :-(
ive not spoken to alex for 29 days cos his mum told me he will contact me again when hes ready and that he was bullied at his old school for 2 years cos people called him gay and hes not actually gay.
starting at college doing a diploma in information technology and guess its a new start, nd think thats what i need. dad made me leave my job with frank but ive applied at some shops. got fit new hair today in brothers, and matt bought me some new jeans and two tops for college, new me :)
ive ignored my friends all summer cos of this and they prob all hate me.
sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else :/
joshxx
so much stuff has happened this summer and its been the hardest thing ever in my life. ive still been blogging most days but im not yet ready to press 'publish'. ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head.
basically alex isnt gay and he told his mum everything and she phoned dad about me. he knows everything and thinks its just a phase and im not really gay. ive been to a counsellor to talk and it was ok, but now ive got to start going every week. hes hardly saying much to me but is treating me differently and said i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs :( he prob thinks ive got aids or something just from thinking about getting bummed.
ffs he told matt and em everything as well, so they propr think im a perv and a freak :-( matt has talked to me loads tho and he told me on sunday night that he always sorta knew and that i should be gay if i want to be and not let anyone persuade me to be striaght. i dont know anymore and i just feel shit and dad is giving me stress about carrying on the family surname and saying how upset mum would have been :-(
ive not spoken to alex for 29 days cos his mum told me he will contact me again when hes ready and that he was bullied at his old school for 2 years cos people called him gay and hes not actually gay.
starting at college doing a diploma in information technology and guess its a new start, nd think thats what i need. dad made me leave my job with frank but ive applied at some shops. got fit new hair today in brothers, and matt bought me some new jeans and two tops for college, new me :)
ive ignored my friends all summer cos of this and they prob all hate me.
sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else :/
joshxx
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