(29) days of summer

got like 999999 messages from u guys, nd i know theres loads i havent replied to, but i read them all, nd it sorta makes me feel nice that there are so many ppl that think about me and want me to be happy.

so much stuff has happened this summer and its been the hardest thing ever in my life. ive still been blogging most days but im not yet ready to press 'publish'. ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head.

basically alex isnt gay and he told his mum everything and she phoned dad about me. he knows everything and thinks its just a phase and im not really gay. ive been to a counsellor to talk and it was ok, but now ive got to start going every week. hes hardly saying much to me but is treating me differently and said i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs :( he prob thinks ive got aids or something just from thinking about getting bummed.

ffs he told matt and em everything as well, so they propr think im a perv and a freak :-( matt has talked to me loads tho and he told me on sunday night that he always sorta knew and that i should be gay if i want to be and not let anyone persuade me to be striaght. i dont know anymore and i just feel shit and dad is giving me stress about carrying on the family surname and saying how upset mum would have been :-(

ive not spoken to alex for 29 days cos his mum told me he will contact me again when hes ready and that he was bullied at his old school for 2 years cos people called him gay and hes not actually gay.

starting at college doing a diploma in information technology and guess its a new start, nd think thats what i need. dad made me leave my job with frank but ive applied at some shops. got fit new hair today in brothers, and matt bought me some new jeans and two tops for college, new me :)

ive ignored my friends all summer cos of this and they prob all hate me.

sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else :/


joshxx

ACCCDDDDE

went out last night with dad, val, em and matt and we had champagne. dad said ive made him proud and i got £500 towards a macbook pro. i didnt do that well compared to some ppl i know, but i did better than i thought.

it was a good night but i still felt empty and when i got home just felt sick again. i was thin before but im propr skinnky now cos i hardly eat food cos i never feel like it. not been out for ages and just feel depressed. dunno what to do but just feel like im not interested in anything anymore, even stuff i like doing. feel a bit like i dont want to cheer up but even tho deep down i know i do. hard to explain.

in love

went on friday to see izzy and george, nd we should have been coming back on saturday afternoon bt dad had been drinking nd wouldnt drive so we had to stay again until sunday :-( well annoying nd i asked matt if he would pick me up nd he said yes but then i got a well nasty text from em saying no they wouldnt come get me nd she called me a freak :-(

saturday was gd with izzy nd george cos theyve got a pool nd it was soooooo hot. had to wear some of georges swimmers cos forgot to bring some nd, nd he gave me like the tinyest ones ever was well embarrasing. the water was cold so atleast i didnt get hard lol. me nd izzy were sun bathing for like 3 hours, got a well nice tan :-) got too hot so we laid on towels under a big pear tree nd talked about boys nd cocks for like an hour lol, i was sorta pervn at george everytime he drived in cos when he got out he adjusted his cock... EVERY TIME :-P

was well good chatn to izzy, nd shes well happy that im gay. she said she hasnt told anyone, nd george got changed in front of me nd i saw everything :-P if he knew thers no way he would have done that. he had deffo trimmed his nest cos was well short nd it looked gd. hes got well more hair than me nd its well annoying. he def gave me his old speedos on purpose nd i hated getn out of the pool in case dad or auntie maureen saw, bt didnt mind izzy seeing or george. sorta liked george looking actually lol. when we got dried we shared a towel nd i was using it first nd he took his shorts off nd was talkn about tennis nd just like fully naked :-P its prob cos he goes to a posh boys school nd they prob always do naked stuff, i bet hes done something gay before as well. even when he was dried it was ages before he put his boxers back on.

not doin much today, alex is on holiday now bt he did txt me this morning nd he said its well nice nd he put 'youd love it here alexx' omg hes not done that for soooooooooo long!! know its stupid bt its made me well happy :-) im not gonna like get too gay with him saying like missed u, or putn kisses again nd stuff :-S even tho ive been well sad nd sorta depressed for ages. i think i might be in love with him nd thats why it hurts so much.

depressed

feelin well depressed, had a shit week, nd not heard from alex since wednesday morning. dad had a massive stress with me nd has told frank i cant work any hours until all exams are done. think hes gonna sack me now anyway cos he prob well hates me.

dad has been making me revise in the dining room nd telling me when i can have breaks nd just been a controlling twat. he comes in nd checked on me like very 20 mins nd i got like 99999 questions when he thought id been on my macbook bt i was actually in the toilet.

all week apart from today hes made me get up at 8 nd then start revising nd doin practise questions. not left the house since thursday nd feel like im a prisoner.

jamie called came over randomly on thursday night nd it felt well good to see him, bt after like 45 mins dad came in nd sorta said he had to go nd i felt such a nob, nd it made me feel really sad cos i rememberd how we used to be well gd mates.

just feel a bit lonely nd while hes controlling my life like this its making me feel upset nd doesnt matter how much time i spend revising if im feeln like this in the exams i just wont be able to concentrate.

tried to talk to matt last night nd he says he just wants to keep out of it :-(