pretty good

thanx for all the emails. im not dead or anything lol.

life is pretty good atm, working for frank again, and me nd sops are lookn at renting a flat in oxford. prob end up on blackbird leys cos everything near me is well expensive. but will be well good. not told dad nd val cos think they will think im rushing in to things but i love sops to bits nd we are well besties :)

so much has happened to me since the summer and its like my life now is nothing like my old one. thinking about blogging properly again but im not gonna lie, its sorta been nice not having to think about blogging. but then some days i miss it loads, and u guys are great cos u all email me to check im ok and stuff.

for ages i wantd a boyfriend more than anything in the world. but ben hurt me a lot cos he lied about a lot of stuff about his life and then i found out hes done porn and everything and it just made me feel shit. just felt weird knowing thousands of ppl have seen him naked and it just feels like its not special for us. he is propr wrong in the head nd even tho we are friends a bit i dont see him that often.

em has had an abortion even tho they all think i do know, i do cos i saw the letter and it nearly caused them to split up cos matt hates stuff like that. so much shit happening in this house no wonder i want to leave.

merry pissmass

fml been hanging all day, and got forced to eat xmas lunch even tho i wasnt hungry and felt sick. stayed at sops house last night and we watched christmas films, ate crap and got pissed :D she kept tryn to touch my doodle dirty bitch! i love her to bits but she gets a bit annoying sometimes cos she knows im gay but is obsessed with my cock lol. she wanted to do dares and her first one was daring me to wank off and jizz out of her window lol. we stayed up talkn until 5 and then her mum dropped me home this morning at 10 and omg thought i was gonna vom in her car. had to close my eyes cos felt so bad.

not got that many presents this year, em and matt bought me apple tv which i well wasnt expecting, and val bought me socks with my name on. random. just got money from dad and a well nice diesel beanie which em prob got for him to give me. i was saving for a new macbook but been spending all my money on clothes and stuff, so might try nd save again now with my xmas money.

wanted to go out tonight but not allowed :( hes such a twat we are only watchn tv so why does he need me here ffs!?!? if he tries to force me to eat any more food today im gonna die i swear. still feel hungover a bit and not had any drink today, not even champagne which was something else for him to moan about cos i just had lemonade.

goin to pizza express tmrw for a meal with sops, we didnt buy each other anything cos we said we would have a meal together nd perv at hot waiters. she said shes gonna tell the tall skiny waiter im gay cos he does look at bit gay and hes fit, and i want his number.

gotta play taboo now some shit game that val bought. shes got a cupboard in the lounge that she calls the family cupboard nad she keeps buying shit games and makes us all play them. the thing i really wanna play with right now is my cock. ffs.

each other

had a well freaky evening yesterady, went in to oxford with sops and we met up with ben. all in mcd and we were just about to go when omg alex came in, he looked striaght thru me even tho i sorta waved. totally ignored me bt the weird thing is it actually didnt bother me that much. sops was like 'JOSH!!!! thats him isnt it?' cos ive told her evertyhing that happened and what i did, and i was just like ermmmmm and tryn to give her a weird look to stop her saying any mroe stuff cos didnt want ben to know or him to think i didnt like him or i like someone else.

was a bit glad alex as on his own, he sat like as far away from us as possible, and facing the wall a bit. hes got new friends as well cos he met up with 2 ppl, they were both well fit, nd that sorta made me a bit jealous but i just stopped thinking about it, and looked at ben, cos omg hes well more fit and hot than them.

sops got picked up then was just me and ben, nd we went for starbucks and i had a white mocca and he had coffee caramel frap. how gay lol. we shared each others drinks which was really nice nd made me get propr hard. went to the toilet nd id even precumd a bit lol. im a weirdo cos probably no one else in the world would get hard over sharing a frappuccino.

he drove me home nd we were sat in his car for a few mins, got a bit arkward and omg he put his hand on my knee made me jump a bit cos i wasnt expecting it nd all i could think about was kissing him nd my cock was twitching like it was about to jizz lol then matt nd em had to ruin it all and parked behind us and came up to the car nd em is like 'what you doin boys?' nd then she laughed before we said anything and said 'each other' really loud to matt. well embarrassing. sorta had to go in the house then with them and say bye to ben which was weirdly awkward. fml.

dad and val were out so gutted em and matt came home cos i well wanted him to come in for a bit.

stayed up until nearly 2 texting. dont even know what about, just random stuff and like he pays me compliments all the time nd makes me feel well nice. he said if he has to wait another week before meeting up again hes gonna come and stalk me :p

(29) days of summer

got like 999999 messages from u guys, nd i know theres loads i havent replied to, but i read them all, nd it sorta makes me feel nice that there are so many ppl that think about me and want me to be happy.

so much stuff has happened this summer and its been the hardest thing ever in my life. ive still been blogging most days but im not yet ready to press 'publish'. ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head.

basically alex isnt gay and he told his mum everything and she phoned dad about me. he knows everything and thinks its just a phase and im not really gay. ive been to a counsellor to talk and it was ok, but now ive got to start going every week. hes hardly saying much to me but is treating me differently and said i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs :( he prob thinks ive got aids or something just from thinking about getting bummed.

ffs he told matt and em everything as well, so they propr think im a perv and a freak :-( matt has talked to me loads tho and he told me on sunday night that he always sorta knew and that i should be gay if i want to be and not let anyone persuade me to be striaght. i dont know anymore and i just feel shit and dad is giving me stress about carrying on the family surname and saying how upset mum would have been :-(

ive not spoken to alex for 29 days cos his mum told me he will contact me again when hes ready and that he was bullied at his old school for 2 years cos people called him gay and hes not actually gay.

starting at college doing a diploma in information technology and guess its a new start, nd think thats what i need. dad made me leave my job with frank but ive applied at some shops. got fit new hair today in brothers, and matt bought me some new jeans and two tops for college, new me :)

ive ignored my friends all summer cos of this and they prob all hate me.

sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else :/


joshxx

ACCCDDDDE

went out last night with dad, val, em and matt and we had champagne. dad said ive made him proud and i got £500 towards a macbook pro. i didnt do that well compared to some ppl i know, but i did better than i thought.

it was a good night but i still felt empty and when i got home just felt sick again. i was thin before but im propr skinnky now cos i hardly eat food cos i never feel like it. not been out for ages and just feel depressed. dunno what to do but just feel like im not interested in anything anymore, even stuff i like doing. feel a bit like i dont want to cheer up but even tho deep down i know i do. hard to explain.

maize maze

didnt see alex all wkend, cos he was at his dads nd so only saw him for like 45 mins on friday night after id finished work :-( hes back today tho so gonna meet up later. hes getn his hair cut in brothers nd he asked if i wanna go with him. gay lol. bt id go with him anywhere cos i just like spending any time with him :-)

went to leamington spa yesterday to see family. me, matt and em went to a maze that was made out of maize lol. it was gd, but soooo hot. me nd matt took our tops off nd i was walking in front nd i kept turning around to look at his hot bod :-P

took like 2 hours to find our way out, em was too tight to buy a map for £1, so we did it the hard way. two well fit american or canadian twins that we kept bumping into, omg nearly cumd in my pants they were so hot. their accents make me melt <3

on the way back em wouldnt let me in matts car so i had to go back with dad and val. she was propr stressn me out nd kept talkn to me nd dad made me turn my ipod off nd nearly killed us on the motorway cos he was tryn to tell me off. what a twat.

had chinese last night nd jesus i propr nearly died when val actually got some money out to pay!! prob dad gave it to her when i wasnt looking. wish id have ordered more haha

peppermint

had to get up early cos getn my hair cut at 9. didnt get that much sleep cos em nd matt were well noisy when they got in, shouting and she was singing. couldnt get back to sleep nd then finally got sleepy again nd the sex noises started :-S yak!!! dad stayed at vals so everyone is getn some except for me :-(

matt is up already, so hope he will give me a lift. he made tea for em bt she stressd at him nd sent him back cos she wanted peppermint tea lol. he must fuckn propr love her cos he does anything she wants. mental. he gave me the tea tho :-) tastes like it got 4 sugars tho lol, so she is prob hungover or food poisoning AGAIN.

love me

sooooo tired. work was well slow today :-( feels like ive been working for ever. thers a new guy thats starting on moday nd hes been in today to meet some of the sales ppl. hes called scott, hes pretty fit bt not gay i dont think.

sorta got a bit told off by frank for texting cos its not allowed even tho he didnt mind when i used to work on saturdays. felt a bit bad nd so before matt picked me up i said sorry nd hes like 'dont worry josh, just keep it to lunch times'. next week im deffo gonna get a bit hard nd go into his office nd ask him something nd like keep adjusting it so he sees lol. then he will love me again :-P

wanted to go out tonight bt everyone is doin something or on hols :-( goin to see inception tomorrow with nik nd dan, but wanna go tonight cos it looks well gd.

think matt nd em are goin to oxford nd dad is going to vals, so just gonna be sat here all night bored :-( grrrrrrr

olds and gays

went to brighton yesterday with dad, val, matt and em. at first it was just meant to be us four nd dad said i could take someone so txtd nik to ask him then he shouts up val is coming now so no room for a mate, im like ffs!!! lucky nik couldnt cos i would have looked like a well messer. took ages to drive down, nd vals purfume nearly killed me in the car it was sooo strong nd i kept opening the window nd then em was stressn cos it was messin her hair up grrr.

we had a well good day tho, laid on the beach for ages getn a tan nd checkn out hot guys yum. there was a women next to us who got her massive tits out nd matt was like jizzin in his pants nd looking constantly, think she liked him looking tho lol, but em didnt haha. went in the sea with matt nd he kept tryn to hold me under bt im faster at swimming :-D em didnt go in the sea once nd was a bit moody. she was just reading a book and listening to MY ipod.

had fish nd chips but wasnt that hungry nd it was too hot to eat. got a £60 parking ticket when we went back to the car, had to listen to dad for like 2 hours whinging about it. ffs was seriously thinkn about giving him £60 just to shut up :-S

not doin much today, just lazin outside. dad wants me to cut the grass but its too hot to do anything, nd hes not offering money so no way lol.

been txtn alex again, nd told him about brighton he put 'brighton is for olds and gays lol' which i think is a bit true lol, bt he didnt say anything bad about gays.cant wait for him to come back now, hope he wants to do something when he gets back to ox.

in love

went on friday to see izzy and george, nd we should have been coming back on saturday afternoon bt dad had been drinking nd wouldnt drive so we had to stay again until sunday :-( well annoying nd i asked matt if he would pick me up nd he said yes but then i got a well nasty text from em saying no they wouldnt come get me nd she called me a freak :-(

saturday was gd with izzy nd george cos theyve got a pool nd it was soooooo hot. had to wear some of georges swimmers cos forgot to bring some nd, nd he gave me like the tinyest ones ever was well embarrasing. the water was cold so atleast i didnt get hard lol. me nd izzy were sun bathing for like 3 hours, got a well nice tan :-) got too hot so we laid on towels under a big pear tree nd talked about boys nd cocks for like an hour lol, i was sorta pervn at george everytime he drived in cos when he got out he adjusted his cock... EVERY TIME :-P

was well good chatn to izzy, nd shes well happy that im gay. she said she hasnt told anyone, nd george got changed in front of me nd i saw everything :-P if he knew thers no way he would have done that. he had deffo trimmed his nest cos was well short nd it looked gd. hes got well more hair than me nd its well annoying. he def gave me his old speedos on purpose nd i hated getn out of the pool in case dad or auntie maureen saw, bt didnt mind izzy seeing or george. sorta liked george looking actually lol. when we got dried we shared a towel nd i was using it first nd he took his shorts off nd was talkn about tennis nd just like fully naked :-P its prob cos he goes to a posh boys school nd they prob always do naked stuff, i bet hes done something gay before as well. even when he was dried it was ages before he put his boxers back on.

not doin much today, alex is on holiday now bt he did txt me this morning nd he said its well nice nd he put 'youd love it here alexx' omg hes not done that for soooooooooo long!! know its stupid bt its made me well happy :-) im not gonna like get too gay with him saying like missed u, or putn kisses again nd stuff :-S even tho ive been well sad nd sorta depressed for ages. i think i might be in love with him nd thats why it hurts so much.

all these rules

work wasnt that boring today, nt as bad as last week. i took my mac with me nd went on it at lunch cos otherwise it goes well slow nd everyone else talks about stuff bt not many people talk to me cos im new. frank sat with me for like 5 mins nd just talked about random shit. i thought he might not be that camp when everyone else is there bt omg hes exactly the same lol.

not allowed to text apart from on lunch which is a bit annoyn cos frank wasnt giving out all these rules when it was just me on saturdays :-S today ive been putting invoices on the accounts system then adding up the total to make sure ive done them all properly. its ok, nd better than just stood up shredding for hours. theres one woman thats nice called jean whos in the other office, none of the women in the main office talk to me.

got a lift back with matt nd i gave him 10 towards petrol cos dad said i should. just got home now nd val is here again, shes brought us a juicer which is nice bt nows shes moved everything around in the kitchen, propr taking over :-S

still not seen alex for ages nd think hes goin to italy again on sunday for like 2 weeks :-/

was gonna be goin out with nik nd dan tonight but cba now so gotta think of an excuse. just wanna laze tonight nd watch tv with matt, em is out nd dad nd val are going out for a meal. hope i can get matt a bit drunk :-p

second first day

saw jamie for a bit yesterday, he came over nd we sat in the garden nd lazed. saw his bulge nd couldnt stop looking at it, had to lay on my front lol cos got a propr hard on nd well obvious in shorts lol. hes not seen his mum for nearly 2 months :-S nd he thinks she has moved to newbury. he doesnt seem bothered at all bt it makes me feel sad.

made me have a weird dream about his gran having a heart attack nd then the hospital said she was gonna die nd so dad let him move in with us, but he wasnt allowed to sleep in my room cos em told dad i would rape him lol. propr mental dream nd sorta turned into a wet dream lol, bt omg felt like it was actually happening until i heard matt shouting at me to get up. id done like 3 piriton yesterday afternoon nd that stuff does give me head fuck dreams.

gotta leave in 10 mins for my sorta second first day, even tho its not really my first day, but it feels like it is, nd feel well nervous again. hope ppl are nice to me cos it wont just be me nd frank today :-S

proper employee

ive got a job :-) gonna be working full days on thurs nd fri every week, nd no more saturdays. if it goes well frank said i might be able to go up to 3 days a week for the summer. bt he said he cant pay me cash anymore nd ive got to be a proper employee, which sounds good, bt its a bit shit cos of tax so just looking on the net tryn to find out how much taxes i will have to pay. its well confusing so nt sure :-S i asked if i have to buy a suit nd he just laughed nd said i can wear whatever. he prob wants me to wear nothing haha.

gonna ask matt if he will drive me cos he works at the science park, nd chalgrove isnt that far. bt didnt want to ask in front of em cos she would interrupt nd say no. she didnt say that much about it but dad said he was 'very pleased' which felt nice :-) we had wine with dinner nd he said we should be having champagne so im deffo in his good books :-)

jamie txt earlier askn when the party is lol. hes such a twat lol, im like, 'its last week, are u coming?'. well wanna meet up soon nd get pissd cos i sorta miss him.

bored = wanking

got a txt from alex at like 7 this mornin just saying wuu2. random!!!! i put 'just laid in bed bored' nd replied in like 1 second nd said 'bored = wanking :-P' was thinkn of something to put back for ages but he txt again nd said hes got all series 1 of facejacker nd askd if i wanna watch it. im like 'yeah ok what time?' bt omg im like YAYYYYYY well surprised he wants me to come over. hope its not a joke or something :-S

dad is making breakfast nd val is here so weve got flowers in the kitchen and in the dining room lol. i dont even like flowers cos they smell weird nd its prob not even hygenic cos of all the pollen dust.

em nd matt went out last night nd she is still in bed. matt says shes ill and it could be food poisning, well its a bit of a fuckn coincidence how she always gets food poisoning after goin out in oxford!! she is laid in bed pretending to be ill bt dad says im rude cos im on my macbook at the table. ffs its not even ready yet nd i cba to listen to careers advice from val. matt never walks around in his undies when she is here :-( its the one thing about sunday i like cos he doesnt normally get dressed til lunch, nd shes ruined it. grrr.

me time / mac time

been working well hard all day again, nd dad has gone out so put the router on nd slying some me time / mac time :-) better rememebr to turn it back off this time tho haha.

he has been a twat today, nd only gave me a lift so i came straight home. he probs think ill escape nd then run away nd be a rent boy lol. been to a revision group today for 2 hours nd saw alex, didnt say that much but he didnt ignore me. he also txt me back earlier cos i asked him if he wantd a lift on thurs, he said no bt he wasnt mean nd he put 'good luck mate'.

last exam on thurs, cant wait cos theres a massive party on friday nd im gonna get soooo pissed :-D

having chinese tonight cos dad nd val have gone out, nd even em said ive been workn hard so its sort of a treat. just gotta wait for matt to get back nd drive us.

taking it seriously

frank askd if i wanted to work today nd tmrw, nd i said yes, bt found out that dad phoned him nd said i couldnt cos i was revising!!!!!! so propr look like a well child now :-( i text frank last night nd said sorry for messn in around nd he just put 'OKJOSH'. hes mad lol.

didnt do any revising yesterday bt gonna do some this week. he thinks i was revising all day yesterday cos i was up in my room nd left my mac in the kitchen on purpose, so he didnt think i was on the internet. bt cos em nd matt went out for the day i used ems laptop lol. he came upstairs at 3 nd said id been working really hard nd he was glad i was taking it seriously.

watched matt getn ready this morning nd running around in his pants lol. he was late again, like i always am.

gonna have breakfast now, get showered nd start at 10. omg internet is so distracting tho :-S