share a bed

been sorta sextin with this guy called ben who sops knows and meeting him this afternoon. omg well scared!!! hes well fit, and has a propr fit bod. hes 18 and has got his own car nd he says well nice to stuff to me, nd sops has showed me some txts hes sent her about me, he propr likes me :)

been to brothers this morning and got my hair cut, got is shorter now and sorta messy nd a bit spikey. sops said i look hot :D hope ben thinks so. got a new red and white jw tshirt that ive been waiting to wear for ages. hope he things im fit. wearing my ripped full circle jeans with the massive rip on the bum :p hes gonna look i know he is.

we went to see jamie when we were walking back. he looks a bit cute in his uniform haha, he txt me as soon as we said bye nd hes like 'mate shes fit txt me her num' i didnt reply and like 5 mins later hes going 'whats her name im adding her on fb' hes well horny. hes living in a shared house in jericho now, its a propr dump but hes getn some ikea stuff in his room to make it nicer. i pissed in the toilet and didnt even wash my hands cos the sink looked like someone had shit in it. soooo dirty :/ hes not bothered tho nd its prob better than living with his mental family.

had my last counselling on tuesday, and ive told sops everything about dad and all the shit that happened even though dad told me to keep my private thoughts to myself. felt better to tell her and we had a well nice snuggle. even tho she knows im gay a bit she likes me to spoon her lol. shes stayed over again last night, and i still have to sleep downstairs and she has my bed. its mental cos i thought dad would be like tryn to make me share a bed with her lol. we always spoon before bed nd she tries to touch my doodle a bit lol. i propr love her loads shes like my best friend ever cos we are so close.

val keeps calling her my girlfriend and it doesnt even annoy me now cos im just like whatever. they are trying to make me not gay but theres nothing anyone can do :D

meeting ben at 2 and we are goin to starbucks, sops is coming for a bit so its not too weird but then shes gonna go after like half an hour.

SOOOO excited!!!! gotta get ready nd make sure i can do my hair this good after ive washed it :)

own keys

nik came over last night cos he wanted to borrow our wii controller, thought he would stay for a bit bd he went after like 10 mins. RUDE!! hed got fake tan on nd it looked propr shit nd a bit orange lol. didnt say anything bt propr lol'd in my pants when hed gone. what a gay!!!!

hes havin a party at end of aug nd said ive got to tweet about it cos not enough ppl are goin yet. he said to get jamie to come nd i said ill ask alex nd hes like alex is already coming hes makin the best ever playlist. sorta got me a bit pissd off that alex knew about it before me nd never said anything :-/

FFS this takes the piss!!!! sounded like dad was home so went downstairs to see why he was back already nd val is there goin 'hello josh' nd smiling at me. ffs no wonder shes smiling if shes got her own keys!!!!! ffs when was he gonna ask me nd em if she could just have her own keys nd just walk in. i could have been naked or anything.

ducks

been to feed the cats this morning nd nicholas left a well funny note, he says hes getn a few ducks but it looked like dicks lol :-P hope he wants me to feed them cos i like ducks and i like money :-D hope pepsi doesnt try and attack them or anything cos he is a bit violent lol

meetin up with kaytee nd jess today, they want to take me shopn. how gay lol. hope they dont want me to help them pick clothes nd stuff. we are gonna have lunch in quod nd she put 'your treat' bt they can fuck off if they think im paying! jess kept tryn me to get jamie to come bt he said no, nd she thinks i havent even asked. why doesnt she just ask if she wants him to come with us ffs girls are mental.

alex sent a pic of the pool at their apartment yesterday nd i could see a bit of his legs in the pic nd i was lookn at it for like an hour cos couldnt sleep last night, nd then i sorta made me have a wet dream that woke me up at like 5 :-S grrrrr, wasnt even nice nd then just laid awake after, miss him so much <3 i sent him a pic of smoothie i made cos he likes stuff like that nd said id make one for him when hes back.

rape me

stayed up until 1 txtn alex :-) it wasnt like a propr convo just like saying nice stuff to each other nd compliments nd stuff lol. it was a bit gay. ok it was a lot gay haha.

got up early so i didnt get stressed at, nd then when he went out went back to bed for a bit lol. been outside in the garden getn more of a tan. wanted jamie to come over bt he said hes ill. which prob means hes not got any money for the train nd he doesnt want to say.

bit bored nd so went thru my fone lookn for ppl to text. txt kaytee nd now she is coming over at 3 when she has finished work nd she is brining bex. she said they are gonna get me drunk nd then date rape me lol. im like 'good times lol' :-S hope she doesnt try touchn me up again cos its a bit awkward when i dont get hard :-/

fuck buddies

still been ignored by alex :-( he came on msn last night but then signed off like 1 second later, he prob didnt sign off more like blocked me. so i txt him nd im like 'so when we meeting up mate?' i actually put mate lol, just tryn to be all manly :-/

dad has made me get up again cos he thinks im gonna waste my life if i laze in bed a couple of mornings a week. hes suck a dick bt i just cba to argue with him. heard him on the phone again to val this morning, think they were talking about money bt omg i hope shes not gonna bleed us dry. he would probably sell my kidneys to give her money cos hes blates in love with her even tho he still says they are just friends. matt said they are fuck buddies lol yak think im gonna vom.

had a good aft with jamie yesterday, even tho has to listen to him talkn about girls like every other sentence. well wanted to put more sun cream on him, or maybe some of my special milky cream lol.

want him to come to oxford today cos meetn some ppl, bt dunno whether to tell him cos i know hatty is coming, nd it might look like ive done it on purpose. wish we were as close as we used to be cos if we were i think id propr tell him im gay, bt just not mention how ive wanted to get in his pants for like 5 years lol.

the list

been out in the garden with jamie getn a tan. too hot tho now nd so we are making a healthy fruit salad with loads of nice stuff dad got yesterday. got some sun block nd got jamie to rub it on my back lol, got me rock hard in like 1 millisecond :-P i put loads on his back nd rubbed it for like 5 minutes lol. id put so much on it was still all on my hands so i wiped it across his stomach :-D well horny. he didnt say anything gay even as a joke, he prob didnt realise i was about to spunk in my shorts lol.

dont want dad to come back cos he will start stressn cos havent done a single thing on the list of stuff he said i had to do today, apart from not lay in bed all day, bt instead ive done laying in the garden all day lol.

second first day

saw jamie for a bit yesterday, he came over nd we sat in the garden nd lazed. saw his bulge nd couldnt stop looking at it, had to lay on my front lol cos got a propr hard on nd well obvious in shorts lol. hes not seen his mum for nearly 2 months :-S nd he thinks she has moved to newbury. he doesnt seem bothered at all bt it makes me feel sad.

made me have a weird dream about his gran having a heart attack nd then the hospital said she was gonna die nd so dad let him move in with us, but he wasnt allowed to sleep in my room cos em told dad i would rape him lol. propr mental dream nd sorta turned into a wet dream lol, bt omg felt like it was actually happening until i heard matt shouting at me to get up. id done like 3 piriton yesterday afternoon nd that stuff does give me head fuck dreams.

gotta leave in 10 mins for my sorta second first day, even tho its not really my first day, but it feels like it is, nd feel well nervous again. hope ppl are nice to me cos it wont just be me nd frank today :-S

proper employee

ive got a job :-) gonna be working full days on thurs nd fri every week, nd no more saturdays. if it goes well frank said i might be able to go up to 3 days a week for the summer. bt he said he cant pay me cash anymore nd ive got to be a proper employee, which sounds good, bt its a bit shit cos of tax so just looking on the net tryn to find out how much taxes i will have to pay. its well confusing so nt sure :-S i asked if i have to buy a suit nd he just laughed nd said i can wear whatever. he prob wants me to wear nothing haha.

gonna ask matt if he will drive me cos he works at the science park, nd chalgrove isnt that far. bt didnt want to ask in front of em cos she would interrupt nd say no. she didnt say that much about it but dad said he was 'very pleased' which felt nice :-) we had wine with dinner nd he said we should be having champagne so im deffo in his good books :-)

jamie txt earlier askn when the party is lol. hes such a twat lol, im like, 'its last week, are u coming?'. well wanna meet up soon nd get pissd cos i sorta miss him.

depressed

feelin well depressed, had a shit week, nd not heard from alex since wednesday morning. dad had a massive stress with me nd has told frank i cant work any hours until all exams are done. think hes gonna sack me now anyway cos he prob well hates me.

dad has been making me revise in the dining room nd telling me when i can have breaks nd just been a controlling twat. he comes in nd checked on me like very 20 mins nd i got like 99999 questions when he thought id been on my macbook bt i was actually in the toilet.

all week apart from today hes made me get up at 8 nd then start revising nd doin practise questions. not left the house since thursday nd feel like im a prisoner.

jamie called came over randomly on thursday night nd it felt well good to see him, bt after like 45 mins dad came in nd sorta said he had to go nd i felt such a nob, nd it made me feel really sad cos i rememberd how we used to be well gd mates.

just feel a bit lonely nd while hes controlling my life like this its making me feel upset nd doesnt matter how much time i spend revising if im feeln like this in the exams i just wont be able to concentrate.

tried to talk to matt last night nd he says he just wants to keep out of it :-(