pretty good

thanx for all the emails. im not dead or anything lol.

life is pretty good atm, working for frank again, and me nd sops are lookn at renting a flat in oxford. prob end up on blackbird leys cos everything near me is well expensive. but will be well good. not told dad nd val cos think they will think im rushing in to things but i love sops to bits nd we are well besties :)

so much has happened to me since the summer and its like my life now is nothing like my old one. thinking about blogging properly again but im not gonna lie, its sorta been nice not having to think about blogging. but then some days i miss it loads, and u guys are great cos u all email me to check im ok and stuff.

for ages i wantd a boyfriend more than anything in the world. but ben hurt me a lot cos he lied about a lot of stuff about his life and then i found out hes done porn and everything and it just made me feel shit. just felt weird knowing thousands of ppl have seen him naked and it just feels like its not special for us. he is propr wrong in the head nd even tho we are friends a bit i dont see him that often.

em has had an abortion even tho they all think i do know, i do cos i saw the letter and it nearly caused them to split up cos matt hates stuff like that. so much shit happening in this house no wonder i want to leave.

new number

got a text from alex today saying hes got a new number. prolly sent it to everyone but its the first thing ive head from him for nearly 2 months :/ really wanna reply but dont know what to put. he obv hasnt deleted me from his iphone bt he could have sent it by accident if he sent it to everyone. i dont know what to do!?!?!? fml

been seeing jamie loads, and hes just started working in oxford now, so went to kfc yesterday and monday at lunch. his mum is moving to spain cos shes gonna be running a bar. he said he wont miss her but i know he will. even ill sorta miss her lol.

the ppl on my course are ok, made a well good friend called sophie who knows im gay bt not really told anyone else, bt also not trying to hide it. and think sops has told a coulpe of ppl, and im happy with it. that prob makes no sense lol.

not been to councilling this week cos told dad i had some group work to do. tried to get served in copa with sops but i got IDd and she didnt!!! ffs. its cos shes fit and looks older and the bar man blates wanted to fuck her lol.

sorta been avoiding nicholas cos i dont know what dad has said to him, and hes not asked me to look after dolce and pepsi for ages. he obs knows i dont work for frank anymore. fml. dad is such a controlling bastard hes tried to ruin my life seriously. sops came over last night nd i cooked her an egg sandwich :) she said im a domestic god lol. dad was like jizzing in his pants cos he prob thinks ive turned normal again, nd cos he blates wants to do her haha. she is well fit. i wanted matt to meet her but they were out.

just lazing tonight and reading old texts from alex :/

(29) days of summer

got like 999999 messages from u guys, nd i know theres loads i havent replied to, but i read them all, nd it sorta makes me feel nice that there are so many ppl that think about me and want me to be happy.

so much stuff has happened this summer and its been the hardest thing ever in my life. ive still been blogging most days but im not yet ready to press 'publish'. ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head.

basically alex isnt gay and he told his mum everything and she phoned dad about me. he knows everything and thinks its just a phase and im not really gay. ive been to a counsellor to talk and it was ok, but now ive got to start going every week. hes hardly saying much to me but is treating me differently and said i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs :( he prob thinks ive got aids or something just from thinking about getting bummed.

ffs he told matt and em everything as well, so they propr think im a perv and a freak :-( matt has talked to me loads tho and he told me on sunday night that he always sorta knew and that i should be gay if i want to be and not let anyone persuade me to be striaght. i dont know anymore and i just feel shit and dad is giving me stress about carrying on the family surname and saying how upset mum would have been :-(

ive not spoken to alex for 29 days cos his mum told me he will contact me again when hes ready and that he was bullied at his old school for 2 years cos people called him gay and hes not actually gay.

starting at college doing a diploma in information technology and guess its a new start, nd think thats what i need. dad made me leave my job with frank but ive applied at some shops. got fit new hair today in brothers, and matt bought me some new jeans and two tops for college, new me :)

ive ignored my friends all summer cos of this and they prob all hate me.

sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else :/


joshxx

propr horny

waiting for dad to come back to get a lift cos meeting alex :-) been txtn all day at work, frank was in a meetn so everyone was taking the piss nd not doin work lol. he even bought us donuts cos he thought we had all been workn well hard lol funny

we are gonna get takeaway nd watch movies at his. i said id pay cos i thought i got paid today but its NEXT WEEK!!! so gotta try nd get money from dad cos ill look a well twat now :-/

hes not said about stayin over bt he knows ive not got work tmrw, so im taking clothes anyway :-D not wanked today cos got up late so will prob be propr horny tonight nd will get hard well easy if he does or says anything.

well excited hope his mum goes out :-P

love me

sooooo tired. work was well slow today :-( feels like ive been working for ever. thers a new guy thats starting on moday nd hes been in today to meet some of the sales ppl. hes called scott, hes pretty fit bt not gay i dont think.

sorta got a bit told off by frank for texting cos its not allowed even tho he didnt mind when i used to work on saturdays. felt a bit bad nd so before matt picked me up i said sorry nd hes like 'dont worry josh, just keep it to lunch times'. next week im deffo gonna get a bit hard nd go into his office nd ask him something nd like keep adjusting it so he sees lol. then he will love me again :-P

wanted to go out tonight bt everyone is doin something or on hols :-( goin to see inception tomorrow with nik nd dan, but wanna go tonight cos it looks well gd.

think matt nd em are goin to oxford nd dad is going to vals, so just gonna be sat here all night bored :-( grrrrrrr

good mood

arghhh nothing to wear in im sooooo late. gonna have to wear shorts nd hope frank doesnt think im takin the piss. alex txt me 3 times in the night nd ive not got credit so cant txt back nd in his last txt he just put '?' nd its just made me upset :-(

matt is in a weird mood cos of em so gonna be awkward in the car :-S he just needs a nice wank to put him in a good mood lol.

hope work goes quick nd hope ppl actually talk to me :-/

all these rules

work wasnt that boring today, nt as bad as last week. i took my mac with me nd went on it at lunch cos otherwise it goes well slow nd everyone else talks about stuff bt not many people talk to me cos im new. frank sat with me for like 5 mins nd just talked about random shit. i thought he might not be that camp when everyone else is there bt omg hes exactly the same lol.

not allowed to text apart from on lunch which is a bit annoyn cos frank wasnt giving out all these rules when it was just me on saturdays :-S today ive been putting invoices on the accounts system then adding up the total to make sure ive done them all properly. its ok, nd better than just stood up shredding for hours. theres one woman thats nice called jean whos in the other office, none of the women in the main office talk to me.

got a lift back with matt nd i gave him 10 towards petrol cos dad said i should. just got home now nd val is here again, shes brought us a juicer which is nice bt nows shes moved everything around in the kitchen, propr taking over :-S

still not seen alex for ages nd think hes goin to italy again on sunday for like 2 weeks :-/

was gonna be goin out with nik nd dan tonight but cba now so gotta think of an excuse. just wanna laze tonight nd watch tv with matt, em is out nd dad nd val are going out for a meal. hope i can get matt a bit drunk :-p

second first day

saw jamie for a bit yesterday, he came over nd we sat in the garden nd lazed. saw his bulge nd couldnt stop looking at it, had to lay on my front lol cos got a propr hard on nd well obvious in shorts lol. hes not seen his mum for nearly 2 months :-S nd he thinks she has moved to newbury. he doesnt seem bothered at all bt it makes me feel sad.

made me have a weird dream about his gran having a heart attack nd then the hospital said she was gonna die nd so dad let him move in with us, but he wasnt allowed to sleep in my room cos em told dad i would rape him lol. propr mental dream nd sorta turned into a wet dream lol, bt omg felt like it was actually happening until i heard matt shouting at me to get up. id done like 3 piriton yesterday afternoon nd that stuff does give me head fuck dreams.

gotta leave in 10 mins for my sorta second first day, even tho its not really my first day, but it feels like it is, nd feel well nervous again. hope ppl are nice to me cos it wont just be me nd frank today :-S

proper employee

ive got a job :-) gonna be working full days on thurs nd fri every week, nd no more saturdays. if it goes well frank said i might be able to go up to 3 days a week for the summer. bt he said he cant pay me cash anymore nd ive got to be a proper employee, which sounds good, bt its a bit shit cos of tax so just looking on the net tryn to find out how much taxes i will have to pay. its well confusing so nt sure :-S i asked if i have to buy a suit nd he just laughed nd said i can wear whatever. he prob wants me to wear nothing haha.

gonna ask matt if he will drive me cos he works at the science park, nd chalgrove isnt that far. bt didnt want to ask in front of em cos she would interrupt nd say no. she didnt say that much about it but dad said he was 'very pleased' which felt nice :-) we had wine with dinner nd he said we should be having champagne so im deffo in his good books :-)

jamie txt earlier askn when the party is lol. hes such a twat lol, im like, 'its last week, are u coming?'. well wanna meet up soon nd get pissd cos i sorta miss him.

im free

well sad today bt also feels prop amazing cos no more exams nd revision!!! said bye to loads of ppl nd got like kisses nd hugs from about 30 girls lol. loads of the girls cried nd it was a bit emotional nd i will miss loads of people.

sat on the field with everyone nd only just got home. gotta shower cos i let jess and kaytee draw stuff on my chest lol. they put an arrow down to my cock nd wrote 'BIG BOY' lol. met one of kaytees friends from cheney whos called rob nd think he might be a bit gay, nd i swear kaytee was tryn to make us talk nd get to know each other. hes not that fit, hes ok, but not like as hot as other ppl i like. alex stayed until about 5 nd we did chat for a bit, but he hasnt txt back about meetn tomorrow. i wanna get new jeans nd a new superdry tshirt tomorrow cos need new stuff for the party.

dad has given me £100 nd said there will be more if i get good results :-) i wanted him to say sorry for been horrible nd stuff bt he didnt cos he thinks he can make me do anything nd is well controlling.

ive txtd frank about work but hes not replied yet. really hope he doesnt hate me.

depressed

feelin well depressed, had a shit week, nd not heard from alex since wednesday morning. dad had a massive stress with me nd has told frank i cant work any hours until all exams are done. think hes gonna sack me now anyway cos he prob well hates me.

dad has been making me revise in the dining room nd telling me when i can have breaks nd just been a controlling twat. he comes in nd checked on me like very 20 mins nd i got like 99999 questions when he thought id been on my macbook bt i was actually in the toilet.

all week apart from today hes made me get up at 8 nd then start revising nd doin practise questions. not left the house since thursday nd feel like im a prisoner.

jamie called came over randomly on thursday night nd it felt well good to see him, bt after like 45 mins dad came in nd sorta said he had to go nd i felt such a nob, nd it made me feel really sad cos i rememberd how we used to be well gd mates.

just feel a bit lonely nd while hes controlling my life like this its making me feel upset nd doesnt matter how much time i spend revising if im feeln like this in the exams i just wont be able to concentrate.

tried to talk to matt last night nd he says he just wants to keep out of it :-(

taking it seriously

frank askd if i wanted to work today nd tmrw, nd i said yes, bt found out that dad phoned him nd said i couldnt cos i was revising!!!!!! so propr look like a well child now :-( i text frank last night nd said sorry for messn in around nd he just put 'OKJOSH'. hes mad lol.

didnt do any revising yesterday bt gonna do some this week. he thinks i was revising all day yesterday cos i was up in my room nd left my mac in the kitchen on purpose, so he didnt think i was on the internet. bt cos em nd matt went out for the day i used ems laptop lol. he came upstairs at 3 nd said id been working really hard nd he was glad i was taking it seriously.

watched matt getn ready this morning nd running around in his pants lol. he was late again, like i always am.

gonna have breakfast now, get showered nd start at 10. omg internet is so distracting tho :-S