this is the worst summer ever just hate my life nd nothing is going right anymore.
my best friend hates me nd wont even txt me, nd then after 6 days just sends me an email saying he wants his soul cal hoody back and all his dvds.
dunno what to do with my life cos this hurts so much nd i want him back even if its just as a normal friend. if i could have one thing in the world it would be him.
so upset nd no one uderstands. em thinks im stupid nd dad told her hes worred ive tried drugs. your love is my drug.
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What is he thinking of? You don't dump your best friend without a reason. Ask him, Josh!
Has he sussed you're a bummer then ?
Have you been touching him again ?
Tell him if he want's his shit, come and get it.
Take a dump in his hoodie b4 you give it back.
The word is "uradefed", that's you that is.
For Heavens sake talk to him.
Something must have happened. What did you not tell us? Did you try to make a move on him? ----Such an emotional roller coaster that is the life of a gay teen who falls in love with a str8 boy. Sorry to say it was doomed from the start. Next time fall in love with a cute lil gay dude where u r in control....
We have all become very fond of you Josh. We feel your pain coming through the computer screen and if we could fix it we would.---there will be many more true loves for you in your life. Hang in ther
Hmmm... are we missing something? I think there's a post missing explaining what just happened. Is something wrong with Alex? What happened?
Josh, you have many fans here who love and support you. We follow your blog for a long time now and we understand. Don't give up, life has many surprises up ahead, keep fighting the good fight, 'cause you sure are lovable.
And please share more details on current developments, you're very confusing right now.
Josh... what aren't you telling us?!? How and when did this happen? I thought you had been unusually quiet on your blog.
I guess you like Ke$ha?
For all the oldies without teenagers in their house... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLGtc1pLWMw
Oh, no! I'm so sorry.
v_v
Did you come out to him and he freaked? I'm just guessing, since he was so weirded out when someone made that "lover's tiff" remark a while back.
I know how much it can hurt, and it's awful. You can make it through, though. Hang in there, little guy!
*great big hug*
Josh lets be honest he has probably just gave up on you. NOT trying to get into his pants he has gave up. Went to the local public lavs and replaced yea with a guy with a big hardon and the baws tae use it. At least you have enjoyed a long and lustful fantasy . xxxxxx
Don't take a dump in his hoodie. Don't burn bridges.
Please don't pay attention to what Always horny said.
You simply must ask him "WHY?!" At this point, is there really any other choice?
Sounds like you put your cards on the table. The hardest part. If he's a true friend, he'll get over it.
Of all the people you know, you seem to trust Nicholas. He sounds like a cool guy, so go talk to him. You need to vent some of this pressure out of your house.
Paradoxically, you could also try Jamie. He's your oldest friend, he's relied on you in the past, and he's felt this way before (with Hatty?).
I think you'll find that when a person becomes clearly off-limits, they become less of an attraction.
The worst part about this whole thing is that Alex will be the one who regrets it most.
Where is Stevo in Cali when we need him...
Ow man, it sucks falling in love with your best friend, particularly if he is not gay. I'd guess that he has already guessed that you are gay and want him. He doesn't want other people to think that he is gay, so he is distancing himself from you. That's what young guys do....
Hopefully you will find a way to talk to him about your feelings, and he will be brave and accept you for who you are - a friend who happens to be gay (and has a huge crush on him.) I can work, but he has to come to terms with the situation.
Sometimes there is no obvious reason. Don't listen to idiots. Don't do hurtful things to yourself or to him. The reason may have more to do with him than with you.
Years ago I walked away from a friendship because I though it was getting too serious. For decades now I have felt that I wronged a sweet kid who really liked me a whole lot. I wish I could take it all back. I wonder what I would have done if he'd just asked me what happened. Dunno. I do know that romantic disasters hurt a lot. You're not being silly or stupid or anything like that.
OMG! Josh, this is a first time comment. I wanted to read your whole blog from the beginning before I leaped into the fray. But this is well awful. Something must have happened that maybe you haven't blogged about. But I'm happy to know that drugs (except our love for you) aren't part of the equation. Keep hanging in there, and we'll all be there to support you.
(I've seen a lot of me in you - though years ago - so I have some insight into your life and circumstances. Maybe we'll meet up on msn sometime.)
Jay
Sorry to see you hurting Josh, but wtf is going on? Did you make a move on Alex and he is insisting he is str8 and going the homophobic route? If that is the case then you are wasting your time on a str8 guy who is not worth it; he is especially not worth having as a friend if he has a bad attitude about homosexuality. Lots of str8 guys are gay friendly. If he is truly str8 then he will always be a case of unrequited love. Or maybe it is something unrelated to sex; did you say something behind his back? Then you must apologise. Anyway without a further explanation then we are at a loss to advise you.
-'Always horny' has a point though; getting love and sex ultimately involves some risk- taking and if you took that risk and he took offence, then it is time to look around (for a big-wanged average looking dude lol) when you get back to school this fall. The best cure for a lost love is a new one; dwelling on loss just makes it worse. Btw I have seen some hot looking young guys after twenty years turn fat and balding, so don't bemoan his loss if it comes to that. bfn - Wayne (hugs)
OK so there's clearly something that's not been said on your blog. It's understandable (and maybe quite right) to keep it private. But it's going to be very difficult for any of us to give useful thoughts/advice/ideas unless we have a clue about what caused this to happen.
If it was something that "gayed him out" you can just tell him you're sorry, you didn't mean to upset him and and that you want to be regular friends. Then stop talking and leave and wait for him to make contact if he wants to. If you really don't know what it was I'd just return the stuff he wants, say you're sorry but you don't understand and you'll be ready to listen if he wants to talk. Then stop talking and leave.
Chin up mate, things WILL get better. Just might take a while.
Kesha!!!!! <3
If you have told him, and he's taken it badly, give him time. he'll probably still be your friend when he's had time to digest it. It's hard when you've put so many expectations on someone, but there will be many other people and you will find what you are looking for. You just have to get through the pain you feel now first.
Oh Josh. I wondered about the long gap between updates, but it makes perfect sense now. You're clearly head over heels for Alex, so I can only imagine what you're going through. I think you're definitely going to have to talk this out with Alex, but it sounds like he's making it difficult for you (not answering texts etc). If he wants the hoodie and DVDs back, that might give you some leverage to get him to talk to you. You tried the "don't rock the boat" strategy when he met up with you after the exam freeze-out - you might have to opt for painful honesty this time if you want to get to the bottom of this. I can't promise it will end well, but you might have to get some things out in the open in order to move forward. Good luck and lots of hugs Josh.
Aww Joshie.. this sucks! What happened? Please tell us. You stayed over his house for two days not to long ago and everything was going so well. Please post again soon and give us more information. Don't give him his stuff back right away.. might help in keeping some form of communication open between the two of you.. even if it's him begging. I'm sad for you Josh...
Josh, I've been anxious all day for you...could you maybe kinda tell us what happened? or at least any more details?
We love you! (in a not-creepy way)
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
-Henry Thoreau
Oh, and don't keep his crap hostage. If your last connection is material possessions, you have no connection. Give him his stuff, and try using your words.
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.
- Oscar Wilde
Mate... I was gutted when I read ur last post :(
I remember when I was 17 and the boy I'd fancied for ages - and made into a good friend - told me that he'd got a gf and didn't want to see me again.
It hurt like nothing I'd ever experienced before and it was one of the worst few days of my life.
But, your friends will rally round, and you'll fall in love again. Can't guarantee it'll be better next time around, but the hurt is less bad.
Sending loads of love in your direction x
josh,
We of course dont know what has happened, and if you want to share that its your choice, as it is if you wish to keep it private.
Hang on in there as you never know how things will pan out. But for your own sake ignore 95% of the advice given here!
Talking to Nicholas sounds like the most sensible thing of everything that's been suggested here today.
Joshie, hugs from across the pond. I wish I could give you a real hug right now. Like the others, not sure what happened, but we are on your side and support you. Hang in there, it WILL get better I promise. You will have a new boy in your life that you will love and he will love you back. Hang in there Joshie, you are a great person and the your future will boy will be very very lucky to get you.
That's pain. Sorry to hear that. Just mention, If you need a shoulder to cry on Josh?
lil' bro, you've vanished for the past 10 days, what damage happened in that lapse? If you should pay attention to any1's advice it's Chris & PeaceBrother...you should start replying to these comments like you used to.
o sweet joshie. you're becoming a (attractive) man soon. if you really came out to alex, it was the right thing to do. even if it hurts now. it is you. dunno if alex was in love before. he probably more sooner than later finds out. even rappers have feelings: http://hypem.com/search/hurt%20feelings/1/
Man I'm going through the same thing with my best mate right now and he's decided he wants nothing more to do with me.
Being in love with your straight best mate sucks and this is probably the third time I've been through it.
I've read your blog for years but rarely post, but I guess I felt compelled as I'm feeling equally shit right now.
I don't know what can be done man, I wish I did. Heck I wished I lived in oxford and not Brighton and we could go and get hammered together.
My best advice? It will get better, it always does. It's good to talk this out with someone who can relate though.
Ry x
Aw, Josh! What happened?
Whatever it is, yo really need to have someone to talk to about it - before you explode! As someone else said, can you talk to Nicholas about this? Or could you even talk to Matt if you and him were alone?
You have a load of people here who can support you as best we can by messages and stuff, even just telling us the whole story could make you feel better?
Don't do anything to 'get even' with him - just try to talk and see what happens? Arrange for him to collect his stuff or for you to take it over, but say you want to talk at the same time?
Take it easy Josh. We're all here for you.
I truly wish the best for you, I hope things will turn out well with alex afterall.
Oh Josh! I am so very sorry for you - after checking your blog for the last
10 days I was real worried something had happened between you and Alex. Perhaps if you wrote what happened to cause this rift between you ( things had been going so well between you recently) it might release some of the hurt you are feeling atm to share it with the many, many good friends who have been following your life. I feel you have always been honest in your postings and have grown to like you a lot and I feel for you so much. Hopefully everything will sort itself out, as it so often does, and you will be good friends again soon.
I just hope so.
Hugs, Colin
hmmm.. either you made a move and didn't tell us folks of the blog
or...
someone is messing up Alex's mind, problably telling bad things about you...
no one sane would do what Alex did without a good reason.
now for your life... hold on... let the days pass, I know it hurts, it makes you feel small, makes you want to break the whole house, makes you want to cry and don't give a damn what your family thinks, but... you can be sure there is no turning back, that there is not another boy like you out there looking for a soul, and despite we are sort of strangers, we will always be here for you.
I am sure many of us would come accross the country and continents to give you a hand if you asked.
just be nice to you...
you deserve better and trust me, you will be rewarded better, just hold on...
Love is a powerful thing Josh! And I now alex loves you in his own way. If he knows something he may be shocked at first and a little unsure what to do. He is your best friend and everything will work itself out as long as you stay your loveable self. He loves you because of you being you. When my best friend found out I was gay he was shocked and stayed away for some time. But over time and because there was love, we started talking again and now we are still the best of friends and I hug him all the time. He has a girlfriend :( He still knows I love him. Who would hope for a better friend? Keep your pecker up Josh keep positive xxxx
what happened?? :(
wow. you dont write for 10 days, and we find out it's all gone to shit, and we don't even know why. what a frustrating post.
must be even more frustrating for you, whatever happened.
i won't speculate. i'll just wish that things get better.
I've been there myself and I know it's hard. You need to decide to walk away or tell Alex how you feel. Have you not realised your best friend will be able to see if you are hiding something as big as this? He could feel like you don't trust him.
I hope you work it out.
I am so sorry Josh, I know it is hard Alex seems like a really nice guy but it is not the end of the world although it looks like it now believe me I have been there. What will be will be and there is nothing wrong with being in love with some one even if it is not reciprocated
All the best
Don
Chin up, Josh. I've gone, and am still going through, almost the exact same thing :(
I'm sorry. You need to have a serious conversation with him. You can't just let him do this without knowing what happened. Hope everything works out.
Don't sweat it. All he wants is some stuff back. In all likelihood, he's just being weird and things will eventually go back to normal.
Worst-case scenario: he thinks you're gay, he isn't, and is friend-dumping you. This sucks. (It happened to me. Twice.) There's nothing you can do about it. Just try to bounce back. Don't let it get you too down. There's plenty of fit lads out there who would die to be with you :)
Someday you'll meet one. And this will all be worth it.
Whatever's happened, you need someone to talk to irl, as someone has said. Nicholas perhaps. Or what about your cousin that you're out to?
And at some time you're going to have to talk to your dad. Why not now, and let him know you're not doing drugs, just upset about Alex? It must have at least occurred to him you might be gay, and he's clearly got no problem with a gay neighbour.
did he find your blog? or otherwise see things on your computer that gave you away?
I agree with everybody who says you should ask him what's wrong. You have nothing to lose at this point. Maybe it will be something you can talk through and put the friendship back together. Or maybe it will be something that can't be overcome. Either way, you'll have a lot more peace of mind knowing what's going on than the way things are now.
I think he's afraid of being in love with you. He feels it but he doesn't want to, so he's cutting things off. Maybe I'm wrong. Another possibility is that his folks are afraid you're turning him gay, and they're telling him to break off contact. Whatever the reason, once you've had the conversation with him, all you can do is hope he sees he's making a mistake and he's able to be friends..
Im sad for u, i cant believe he is finishing a real friedship because he knows your secret about him, he is very stupid; homofobic this days is just stupid; Im so angry for that, but remember you have us and other real friends like nicholas so u arent alone, the first love its always painfull, but hey I am very proud of you about the drugs stuff and the truly feelings that you have for him. Anyway u have a friend en méxico. Please be strong and cleaver. And asking him why?, only to finish well.
reading your post makes me angry, in a way that you've been such a good friend to him and all.. i really doubt you did anything to get this from him.. try not to get too hung up on this, still young and have lots of other stuff ahead of you in life, this is not the end.. but right now, i think you really need a hug and someone to vent this out with..
take care of yourself.
Sorry to hear gee, hope it sorts its self out.
shit sux dude i went thru the same thing in 9th grade it still sux... *BIG HUG*
Obviously something happened between the two of you, that you have not posted here. So... I don't know what to say. I DO NOT want to jump to conclusions as many others have chosen to do so.
I DO suggest however, that now is the time to talk to the two gay men in your life that you can talk to MAN to MAN and FACE to FACE: Nicholas and Frank.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Knowing nothing of the situation I feel helpless. Please know that people care about you. Know that you father cares about you, and if he thinks you are behaving strangely because of drugs, it is because you a behaving in a way that exemplifies his greatest fears. He loves you.
Many of us love you too, in our distant, distracted and detached sort of way. It doesn't make us insincere, it is however, a love that comes from what you have to offer us through your posts, and what we have decided to represents you in the parts that are more mysterious; the parts about you, that are not revealed in your posts.
None the less, you have a community of people who DO care about you Josh, and we hope and want only happiness and success for you. Please fill us (me) in.
It is good in so many ways that you keep this blog at a distance from all the inner workings of your life. It is good that you keep a diary that includes a lot more than what it revealed here. However, what you have here is SPECIAL, and many of your readers only want the best for you.
Keep you chin up. Ask us for advice. Ask me, if you want. I do suggest, that you come out to Frank and Nicholas, and talk to them. I really think they will be more helpful and better friends than anyone on this blog, including me.
I have days like this. Talking helps do it
Hmmm, since a bunch of people have suggested you talk to someone (good advice!), how about Izzy?
What if he found your blog?
Could he have been googling you and your mates names and come up with your blog?
Oh Joshie
I am so sorry. Agree with Chris. Talk to Izzy. She knows you and she knows the score.
Hugs and best wishes
Adi
I think Michael Diamond has hit it on the head and you must now realise how many of your readers (57 to date) really have great affection for you and care about you a lot.
Try not to be "too down in the dumps" most of us know how bad you feel atm, but things will heal. On a sleepover I told my best friend how much I loved him, and like you, asked why he couldn't love me back. He said he did, but not quite in the same way. He had always been very touching to me, and hugged a lot, and this never changed - he married and moved away but he's still the same when I see him.
Loads of hugs, picking me up (he's stronger than me) etc.
Give it a few days and perhaps Alex will be like that - it would be so nice if you could remain life-long FRIENDS, even tho' you want more.
I'm sure your friends (readers) mean to give you the best advice they can - BUT - the final choice on how you proceed now, is all YOURS.
Kind regards and hugs, Colin (2**2)
Oh Josh, feel so sad for you.
I have rarely posted these years, but this time I had to. I know the kind of feeling, it rips the soul.
If you did your move, sorry, there is not much to do but wait in pain.
If you didn't do your move, don't ask Alex what's wrong, it can worsen things. Just return his stuff and when doing it keep your face sad (guess that won't need any effort). I would do it with the less words as possible.
And then yes, find someone you can trust. Hope Nicholas is that kind of person. Its better Nicholas ask Alex what's wrong between you two.
If you or someone else told Alex you are gay (hope Nicholas didn't do it) he might be in a distancing phase. It will eventually lower and he might txt you back in a couple of days/weeks.
My feeling by the postings over the last months is that Alex is going through some difficult issues. There is something really bothering his mind.
I would tell you to cheer up but I know it doesnt work that way.
Just hold on.
There's always the possibilty that Alex had stumbled across your blog and feels a bit betrayed or something...
It's possible he found your blog. Talk to him.
Please Please Please, Josh, tell us what happened - you can't keep us like this - we'll go crazy trying to figure out what went wrong.
You've already shared so much of yourself on these blog pages, do us the courtesy and let us in one more time.
What you are going through is normal for ALL teens. Hold on to that at least. Being 2 boys complicates it yes, but friendship is the basis! That may not make you feel much better, but it is not like you are the only gay boy who has hit this damn wall.
WHAT TO DO?
Advice.
Talk to Nicholas.
Send Alex (the XXX kid with pink paper)a letter or email. Texts do not always work in situations like this.
Tell him you feel like he has ended the friendship and if he has why?
BEST OF ALL, do that in person.
If he refuses to meet or talk or explain just say "I am sorry this is happening. If you ever wanna talk or be friends again I'll be here."
BTW... if u trusted matt to examine yer nuts, maybe share this mess with him. He sure seems like a good guy from what u say.
I have been thinking about you...
steevo in cali
.
.
.
What you are going through is normal for ALL teens. Hold on to that at least. Being 2 boys complicates it yes, but friendship is the basis! That may not make you feel much better, but it is not like you are the only gay boy who has hit this damn wall.
WHAT TO DO?
Advice.
Talk to Nicholas.
Send Alex (the XXX kid with pink paper)a letter or email. Texts do not always work in situations like this.
Tell him you feel like he has ended the friendship and if he has why?
BEST OF ALL, do that in person.
If he refuses to meet or talk or explain just say "I am sorry this is happening. If you ever wanna talk or be friends again I'll be here."
BTW... if u trusted matt to examine yer nuts, maybe share this mess with him. He sure seems like a good guy from what u say.
I have been thinking about you...
steevo in cali
.
.
.
If he's really done this out of the blue, for no apparent reason, I think it's likely he found out about your blog too. Out of all the people you know, and all the people from your school, some of them are going to be gay and into gay porn. You're on the blogroll of SDBorderBoys (a big porn review blog) and that's how I found you. It would have been very easy for someone who knows you to find you in the same way. That's how porn stars get outed, even when they use fake names, like that teacher who got sacked for having nudes on englishlads.com.
When you're out, and living away from home, at college or whatever, and you know other gay people, your life's going to be amazing. You're going to be really popular. Just look how many people you have following your blog.
If you're 16, it's not really meaningful to say you're "stuck in a rut" but if your GCSE results aren't great, and you keep doing the same job and stay in the same area and spend time with the same people, that's going to get limiting.
If it was me I'd be looking at ways to get out of there whether it's college or volunteering overseas or anything.
I don't know what to suggest about Alex. Pesonally, I think he's being such a dick, I'd be inclined to send an email back simply saying "OK" and post his stuff to him with no note or anything, but I'm not sure what YOU should do about it.
Keep your head up though. This will pass and you're going to be very popular once you get out of those limited social conditions. A lot of people care about you.
Joshie... Find something to distract yourself and cheer yourself up. Watch TV... whatever... Best thing is to find other mates to spend time with and have fun.
A lot of us have been through the whole "falling in love with best mate" and we all know that pain you are feeling. It's totally normal.
You might be feeling like shit or like a loser but this is totally normal...
The friendship might not be over. There could be something else you don't know about and it might patch it up (often there is). But if it is over... you'll get over it eventually. Your feeling will cool over time naturally and you'll feel better.
being in love with your str8 friend SUCKS and not in a good way... I agree maybe you should talk to frank and Nicholas. **HUGS**
It seems like we have missed something?? Put it this way, no matter what any of us say to you it isn't going to change much but at least you know we are behind you and are thinking of you. You know from here you can only go up
Sorry to hear that. I haven't been feeling great myself lately so I have a kind of idea where you're coming from.
Try and keep smiling and count your blessings. Ignore these piss takers. Shout if you want. Sending much love your way. xxx
it took me a long time ... but eventually i learnt not to fall for straight guys ...
hope you are a quicker learner than i was ...
OMG WOW 67 COMENTS I THINK ITS A NEW RECORD
I'm so sorry Josh. I know how you are feeling right now. I love a boy who doesn't love me in the same way. At least he still enjoys spending time with me (even though I tell him how much I love him and that I'd do anything for him; sometimes I think it scares him). But there are days where I feel like he hates me, when he won't talk to me, and on those days I just want to curl up into a ball and cry myself into nothingness. Its the people we love the most that always make us the saddest. But you have to resolve it, whatever it is. Tell him the truth if you haven't already, or at least ask him why, if you don't already know. If you feel comfortable telling us in a post, you might find some solace in that. I know that writing things out really helps me resolve my issues. And I usually write them directly to the kid I love, and share them with him. Sometimes he doesn't respond. But when he knows I'm hurting, he tells me everything is fine. And has hard as it is for you to believe right now, everything will be fine for you, too, eventually. But it is OK for now for you to bawl it all out, let the tears flow, and start the process of getting over it.
Love really is the hardest thing to get through. And unfortunately, we can't un-love people. We just have to accept that they don't love us the way we would like them to, as impossible as that is to accept.
Again I'm so terribly sorry, know that I've shed a few tears for you.
Thought about you all day today! I've missed your posts. You are so genuine as a person and everyone loves you. Keep strong and you will be OK. No matter what happens we are always here for you. Andy xxxx
As a very str8 acting gay guy in high schohol I had a bunch of great friends and a couple that I had a real crush on. One was 6--2 red hair and the star player on our championship basketball team. We wenr everywhere together but never had sex of any kind. --I remember to this day goin out of my way in the locker room to see him naked and to see his red crotch hair. God did I like him---but he was str8 and you know what I haven't seen him in 20 yrs and I could care less. You will survive.
This has happened to me twice,
The second time was my best friend at uni this year who i shared a room with for a term. We got on so well, and did everything together and i ended up getting a bit confused about my feelings.
He knew I was gay, but we never talked about it. I think maybe we just got a bit close for his liking so he decided to take a big step back.
I realised on my birthday when he left the club we were at because he said he had to leave or else he was gonna punch me because apparently i was being agressive.
I don't think I ever felt so bad. I was drunk which added to it, but i spent ages crying down the phone to him.
Since then we just haven't been as close. And it sucks so bad. I miss being that close to someone. I knew things could never go any further than friendship, just how i'm sure you do with alex. But having a best friend is basically like having a boyfriend without the intimacy and the sex. But you can have that at the same time if you want, with someone else. I want a best friend again :(
So basically, I feel your pain. I'd say try to make things the same as they were at all costs, but i'm not sure you can. thats entirely up to him.
Josh, I feel so sorry for you. It's your choice as to what you include in your blog or not, but it does seem as if some important details are missing.
If Alex really does not want to talk to you, then you cannot make him. Avoid playing games of any kind, just return his belongings, and tell him that you want to talk. Thinking of you. xx
I have been reading your blog's for a while now and I understand what you are going throgh; for I have been there (assuming that you came out to Alex and said that you like him).
Everything gets better over time. You need to think about what has happen bewteen you and Alex. You also need to speak with Alex, for if you are blut but sincere at the same time he'll understand were he stands; for his just as confused as you are. You also need to give his stuff back, you could use this time when your giving his stuff back to talk to him.
But at the same time he needs to talk you, in which he'll do when his ready.
However, just remember that time fixes everything. OXOXO
fuck him....You are the man ....you r smart ....and cute and you own a blog that touches everyone that reads it. It's him that should be crying his heart out. It's u that a hundred people felt like comforting....Fuck him.. Hold your head up --in a year or two lil dudes will be fighting to be your man....You r Josh and u are always hard...
Josh,
Do you need me to come down there and give you a good fucking?
It would def cheer you up.
(I am only 17 so no comments)
Love ya
Ben
find a real homo and make friends with him and you will be alot happier.
Josh I feel really sad for you. What you’re going through is difficult and I know it hurts. Personally I don't think you have done anything to cause Alex to treat you this way. I think the problem is with Alex. Early on after you met Alex his mother made the remark it was good he has friends at this school because at his old school he was picked on. I think you are the first real friend Alex has had. I think Alex is str8, but has strong feelings for you and doesn’t understand the feeling. He is misinterpreting the feelings as sexual and feels he might be gay and doesn’t want to be gay. The only way he knows how to deal with this situation is to distance his self from you. My advice is to send him and email or letter telling him he is your best friend, if you did anything to hurt him your sorry. You love him like a brother. His friendship is important to you and what he's doing is hurting you. Josh I hope everything work out and you don't lose Alex as a friend, but if you do it's not the end of the world you are a good and kind person and a lot of people love you. Your life will get better and someday you will find that special love.
Hugs and XXX Carter
I am so sorry for what happens to you. But I can assure you, everyone has experienced this or something like what you are now going through. Mostly there is no explanation. So please, do not interpret what Alex can be thinking of you - because you can not know.Try to live with it that you don't know. Why should Alex hate you, when he asks his belongings back? Stop destructing yourself with thinking there is only love or hate.
By the way love... The number of comments show you there is lots of people caring for you :-)
Cheers and take care
Merlijn
you need to be honest with people talk to Alex there must be some cross wires somewhere .you cant carry all this by yourself .
Like most others, I am hurting because you hurt. I know what it's like to be in love with a straight friend--it's all I've ever done is fall in love with a straight. I am too shy and afraid to come out. I agree with tose who advise you to return his stuff and try to have a talk with him. Remember, too, that he also likely needs time to cool a bit. Love you.
DukeLeto
You've been nothing but genuine and kind to Alex, yet he's been hot and cold with you for months with no explanation. He's abusing you and you deserve better treatment, so I go against everyone who says you should talk to him. He's cut communication, so walk away.
Who cares if he knows/suspects you are gay. If he's that shallow then you are better off without him. Hiding who you are from the people you love is really painful.
He's played with your emotions, and you are better than that.
Give him back his stuff. Ask him for your T-shirt back which he's happy enough to post pictures of himself wearing on his facebook site and go hook up with Nick and your other friends, before Alex gets in there first and makes you feel a complete outsider.
And do talk to Nicholas. You can trust him - he's not going to go and tell your dad or Em, and he might even be able to introduc you to some guys your age who are gay, and not headcases!
If he really did find out that u are in love with him and now he thinks u are a freak or something like that, in my opinion the best way to get him to see how much that hurts u is to say to him... ahem "think about if you were madly in love with a girl and you told her and she found out, and then she thought u were a freak for it or hated you for it. Think about how that would make you feel. Because its making me feel like the earth and life took a huge smelly shit on me and feel like just killing myself over it." this of course only applies if he really did find out about you. but ya i think that would really make him think. and if it doesn't then he is a heartless prick and you are too good for him.
Josh,
Wed all love to see it work out.
It seems as if revealing yourself
is more than he is prepared for at this time?
You might be better served to move on.
You will find another.
Prolly hard for you to imagine, but many of your readers have told you exactly that has been their experience as mine.
A supportive hug xx
Eric
Come back and tell us how you are. Hope you are feeling a bit better.
Hey Josh,
Another sensible letter from Carter -
you have so many good email friends who care about you loads - do try and post something to keep us all up-to-date.
Hugs Colin
You really have to talk to Frank and Nicholas Josh.
JOSH - WE MISS YOU!!!! Sometimes when life sucks - you have to remember to breathe - please try not to drink the pain way...it doesn't work.
c'mon josh give us more details. That's the only thing wrong with your writing,----u don't give us those tiny details that we are longing for.---U do it alot too. We want to know everything. Did u ask him if he was gay,--did u tell him u were---did u try and kiss him--did u try and grab his cock? Did u tell him u shot a load on his hoody he wants back?----here's your chance to bring the blog up a notch.
JOSH PLZ DONT COMMIT SUICIDE IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!! there are plenty of other gay boys that you can lust for.
I agree wuth JC just above. I've been following your blog since close to the start and I remember when Alex arrived at school and how you helped him out and have continued to do so ever since. He has never really returned the favour so far as I can see. His mum confided in you how he'd been bullied, which shows how much she appreciated you. And - as others have pointed out - we don't know what led up to your last blog but it's pretty clear he's behaved inexcusably in rejecting you. Arsehole. So I suggest you would be better off wiping your hands of him - tell him to f.o. and focus on your present and future friends rather than someone who doesn't deserve it and is diminishing you. I think it's all the more important given that you're at a crossroads in your life. I have a suspicion you'll be going in different ways educationally anyway and that he was never going to look back and that you'd have lost touch. I've dealt with rejection in both ways - i.e. trying to keep the friendship going and cutting all links. And obviously it's your life, not ours to live through you. But you're a nice lad and don't deserve to be trashed like this, which is why I say - cut the arsehole loose.
Someone commented that alex was stupid or not worth caring about IF he thinks you are gay and is freaking out. Your relationship may be forcing him to confront his own feelings. He may have a family or church that has poisoned his mind to think gay = evil and disgusting. Who knows. Perhaps the aleXXX (and pink paper) was a slip of the pen. There is much evidence that he enjoys being with you. Perhaps his feelings for you are getting much stronger and he has no idea what to do, what to think, who to talk to. He may be running scared. None of us knows.
If he "drops" you as a friend perhaps you would be ABLE to make sure he knows you still really want to be friends. That he can come back anytime and talk about the whole thing. Leave the door open AND make sure he knows the parting of ways hurts you a lot.
steevo
.
.
So, are you going to keep us hanging until you've got 100 comments? ;-) Seriously though, I really hope things are working out.
Well at least you now know that people out here understand. I am another one of those who had an experience when I was young of falling in love with a straight friend. I Joined the R.A.F. at 16 and met someone I fell head over heels for. Back in those days Homosexuality was still illegal in the armed forces. Anyway that's part of my story the important thing here is yours. Many have filled in the blanks for themselves. Whatever the full story is I just want to add my love and hugs to the caring voices that you have found here and I hope you find someone with whom you can at least talk to. A problem shared is a problem halved. Take care Josh. X
Hey guys, all this speculation is pointless - we dont *know* what has happened, and its up to Josh if he wants to share it with us. Human nature is to want to know, but we have to accept that if Josh wants to tell us he will do when he feels able to.
I think its great that he has so many people who care enough to post messages of support and encouragement. Please dont try to push him into posting though, he is obviously having a shit time at the moment and like any of us needs to have some time and space for himself to make sense of whatever has happened. I am absolutely certain that Josh will return, and when he does we will all be delighted to find he is well.
Josh - hang in there mate, whatever has happened cannot be the end of the world no matter how much it feels like it at the time. If there is someone to you feel able to talk to then do so. Someone suggested Nicholas and based on what we know of him that seems a good choice, just dont go through this pain alone.
tc
Joshie I wish I was your Alex. I would smother you with deep passionate kisses each and every day and be there for you always.
JOSH
Bud we are all assuming that either you outed yourself. Or tried something on. I don't know if you read my blog or not. But my first post was about me being outed by my best mate who I was head over eal in love with. He outed me in front of my friends and almost drove me to suicide.If you have not read it have a look it might help you see that life go's on and gets better. http://myearlyposts.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-early-stuff-edited-by-hocine.html
Talk to Frank Joshie, don't go through your teens thinking everybody that is older than you wants to get you in bed. yeh there are guys out there and that's all that's on their mind so you do need to be a bit careful. I think you can trust Frank. I'm 16 and I have several friends that are older than me, I trust them and they respect me. Any problem I have I can talk to them. Give it a go dude, I like Frank and Nick. xx
You're my drug, so keep on posting. Be strong!
JOSHIE - YOUR BLOG IS MY DRUG! <3 <3 <3
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU JOSH!!!!
Joshie I feel so bad for you. Alex sounds like a total dreamboy.. you must be hurting so much. Deal with it hour by hour.. day by day.. it's the only thing you can do in situations like this.
still approving comments, but no new posts --- anyone else think that's a little weird?
Everyone is worried about you. Wishing your ok.
Josh, we are getting worried! Please let us know you are still breathing!
this is bullshit---something finally happens and we don't get to hear about it.---We have rights.
Josh, please post again soon. I'm worried about you!
Tell us something Josh, that you are OK? OK? You know we care about you. OK?
"We have rights" ??
It's Josh's blog and Josh's life.
He's given us the privilege to read what he writes; neither you nor any other reader has any "rights."
Anonymous - stop being a complete dick.
This is a journal you are reading. Its an online diary. Its up to the writer to put down whatever he wants.
You have no rights to know anything. You have a priviledge to read the updates when Josh posts them. Go read Heat magazine if you want constant gossip and the ins and outs of other people's lives, or better still, go find a life yourself rather than obsess over the missing details from Josh's postings.
Josh - don't feel pressured by anyone to reveal anything you haven't already. This is your blog, and your life, and no one elses.
I love this, and I completely agree with you Lightning Baltimore.
If you guys are true fans of his blog, you'll understand he's not necessarily in the mood to tell-all, if not, than go read another blog instead.
Hell, if Josh even decided to stop blogging, there ain`t much you guys can do...
Much props to you Josh, just warn us if you stop blogging.
I love this...I totally agree with you Lightning Baltimore.
If you guys are true fans of this blog, you`ll wait it out, and if he doesn`t feel like doing it anymore, it ain`t your call.
Much PROPS to you Josh, hope all is well, please warn us if you quit blogging.
Hey, Josh - I'm just as concerned about you as everyone else, but to all these anonymous commenters who claim rights and slights while you are going through some tough shit, I say "go away."
Look, Josh has done this blog for over three years and I am sure when he is ready and worked through this difficult period, he will be back. He is not going to abandon all of his work that easy. But, when he comes back, it should be for him - not us, not you!
Josh - take your time. Talk, in person or by email, those that you can trust (Frank, Izzy, Nicholas, etc) and - if you haven't already - ask Alex "what's up and why."
Your true fans and friends will be here when you are ready to return and, hopefully, some of the complainers will have moved on to somewhere they can more readily satisfy there urges.
Hang in there, Josh!
I agree with ‘Lightning Baltimore’, it’s been a privilege to read Josh’s writings and he owes us nothing. Like many of you I’ve become addicted to Josh’s Blog and there is a special place in my heart for him. I am older and his writings bring back memories of my own youth and I thank him for that. Now is not the time to turn on Josh but support him. What he is going through must really be devastating for him to not want to write about it or not be able to write about it.
Josh your life may seem really bad now but hang in there it will get better with time. We miss you, we love you and we support you the best way we can, with our words of encouragement.
Hugs, Carter
Hope everything's fine...
If it makes you feel better, at one point or another every man reading your blog has been in a situation close to your own...
And right now, there are loads of people thinking about u and wishing u well.
That's a lot of energy and love, ain't it?
My best wishes to u and I hope things improve for u the way u want em... it's only a matter of time
JAKKO
I hope you manage to sort things out soon Josh.
When you're ready, come back to writing, ignore the rudeness of people who can't appreciate the tough time you're going through.
x
I hope your GCSE results are good tomorrow and look forward to you returning to blogland when you feel able.
"we have rights". lol. Quite right anon. I'm going to write to my local councillor and MP about this violation of my rights and if that doesn't work, maybe get a solicitor on him.
josh i know u can get through what ever it is thats happenin in ur life, cuz ther always its ups n downs, n i know its harder for gay guys like us, cuz i havent come out to anyone yet, im fallin in love with a rly rly hot guy that wuz once my friend but been growin appart, i dont think he will ever know how i feel about him cuz im too scared dat he will hate me if i tell him, so as of now im being a hopeless romantic waitin for like divine intervention or sumthin to make him realize wut i feel for him, come bak josh, we love u n miss u very very much :'[
luv,
Ricky =]
people have suggested you talk to someone: izzy or nicholas or whoever. you have plenty of people here who would love to offer advice if they knew the problem. it would have the added benefit of bringing this comment soap opera to an end.
ive just started following your blog in the last couple of weeks,so i dont reallyhave any right to say anything, but im worried a little that you havent written in your blog. 9 or 10 days is a long time to not hear from you...hope your OK...i get the feeling youve left part of the story out, but thats ok for now, just tell us when your ready, we'll be here for you.
Hey, Josh. Whatever it is. Time always heal stuff. Hamg in there. Higs and kisses.
This post has been commented to death! There's really no more left to be said - I think the outpouring of sympathy and support has left Josh in no doubt how fans of his blog feel, but when all is said and done, Josh has to sort his issues out in his own way in the real world, and if and when he chooses to share more information online is entirely his decision. Time to stop bombarding him with comments and give him some breathing room, I think.
WE SUPPORT YOU - JOSHIE!!!
im worried
im worried. i would kick ass for u... if it would help...
:-( Vet Soldier
Josh!!
hey mate sorry to see alex is being a bit yampy.. You should deff talk to him... any chance he may have seen your blog its only a matter of time best be st8 forward with him. wouldnt advise ya to take a dump in his hoodie.. kind of hard to recover from that. hope things go well for you soon and you two mend things.
Cheers
Robbie
I was deeply saddened by this post, despite the fact that I have only been following you blog for 2 days. Your humanity is so blindingly present in every post, and I'm staggered by your courage to share it with the world. I certainly didn't when I was your age, but I know what it feels like to hide who you are, to suffer the pain of not being able to tell the person you love that you love them, and the pain of losing that person. Remembering what it felt like to be where you are now, I was inspired to write this poem for you. I know when you are young, there is little that other people can say to help you through your pain. I only hope that this poem reaches you. It's called "Seasons."
The morning dew softens my skin and sets me free in wisping columns of radiating steam as they make their way up to the heavens. But somehow I know: I am still alone. And the sky, once alive with the god of atomic fire, has left me with nothing more than a breeze from the north and flakes of frost that sting my cheeks, returning the feeling to a numb face. The heart burns! And in the coldest season my soul has yet suffered, I pray for an avalanche. But as I stand on the highest cliff and the clouds darken with each beat in my chest, ready to give up on the hope for another summer, an angel peaks his head through the cumulonimbus barrier and catches the hail before it can touch me. He whispers in my ear the ancient lullaby of pain that matches the rhythm of my raging heart. And with eyes closed as if I'd never again open them, the tune makes its way across every nerve of my body. For only a second: I am floating! As my feet touch down and the sound of the world returns, I hear voices that speak as though they were always there. And when the lids of my eyes that were shut so tight open expecting to see the storm of my life, the dawning light strikes my face with thunder! Around me I can feel a million hearts that reverberate across the wind like a symphony, and it seems like a forgotten dream that I ever though I was really alone.
Love is like the seasons, my friend. And regardless of who you are, we must all find a way to make it through the winters. Cause on the other side of its frost inevitably lies a spring, then a summer, fall, and another winter. It goes on for as long as you have the courage to "dare to love." An open heart is the most valuable thing in the world, and if you can continue to keep it open regardless of what happens to it, then you will be richer than us all.
In terms of what to do in this situation, nobody can tell you what you should do. Only you can know what is right for you. From what you have shared with us so far, I believe you were good enough friends that you deserve an explanation. But the harsh reality is that you may never get one. Do what you think is right; I'll be really cliche and say: listen to your heart. And remember that no matter what happens, you will survive.
Hope to see another post from you soon, just to know how you are doing,
Alex
hey josh
i read your blog everyday, so so sorry to hear you're so down (ive read you 29 days of summer piece too)
just to say, deffo talk to Izzy she will definately be there for you. also i would advise you to ring the samaritans, its the most beautiful charity ever, to get all of your feelings off your chest 08457 90 90 90
i think its great that matt is so lovely and your mum would be so proud of you, its not easy coming out.
college is the next big step, im in year 13 now and its the best part of my life so far.
lots of hugs from leeds xx
ps, some of that advice is shit ("always hard gay boy"), just ignore crap comments like that
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