got like 999999 messages from u guys, nd i know theres loads i havent replied to, but i read them all, nd it sorta makes me feel nice that there are so many ppl that think about me and want me to be happy.
so much stuff has happened this summer and its been the hardest thing ever in my life. ive still been blogging most days but im not yet ready to press 'publish'. ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head.
basically alex isnt gay and he told his mum everything and she phoned dad about me. he knows everything and thinks its just a phase and im not really gay. ive been to a counsellor to talk and it was ok, but now ive got to start going every week. hes hardly saying much to me but is treating me differently and said i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs :( he prob thinks ive got aids or something just from thinking about getting bummed.
ffs he told matt and em everything as well, so they propr think im a perv and a freak :-( matt has talked to me loads tho and he told me on sunday night that he always sorta knew and that i should be gay if i want to be and not let anyone persuade me to be striaght. i dont know anymore and i just feel shit and dad is giving me stress about carrying on the family surname and saying how upset mum would have been :-(
ive not spoken to alex for 29 days cos his mum told me he will contact me again when hes ready and that he was bullied at his old school for 2 years cos people called him gay and hes not actually gay.
starting at college doing a diploma in information technology and guess its a new start, nd think thats what i need. dad made me leave my job with frank but ive applied at some shops. got fit new hair today in brothers, and matt bought me some new jeans and two tops for college, new me :)
ive ignored my friends all summer cos of this and they prob all hate me.
sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else :/
joshxx
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209 comments:
1 – 200 of 209 Newer› Newest»Welcome back Josh! Sorry things have been tough for you and I hope Alex will see he can still be a friend if you want.
Sounds like you've got things together though - good luck with the college course.
Dad's obviously a bit disappointed just now but I'm sure he'll realise eventually that you can't choose whether to be straight or gay.
Keep us posted and take care of yourself.
Nigel
Coming out of the closet isn't easy, Josh. I can tell you from experience that it will make you stronger.
There are 5 or 6 major events in your life that will be life changing. Finishing college, losing your virginity, the death of a family member, your first "marriage", coming out of the closet etc.
You have two choices before you when something major happens; You learn from the experience and grow stronger or you succumb to depression and let the event ruin your life. Grow from this, Josh.
My last piece of advice; Liberate yourself. Don't let other people out you, do it yourself. There is nothing more liberating than telling someone, "I'm gay." It gets easier and easier with every person you tell.
Be strong, Josh.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this and getting such negative reactions from your dad. I hope things get better for you quickly. Maybe college will help.
Im so so so sorry Joshy. I feel like crying for you. But be strong. You'll make it through it baby. xx
All i can say is, wtf ... I started thinking that those kind of things did not happen anymore in our society. I was wrong..
Btw your dad looks like a proper cunt (no offense).
Whoa that sounds intense... It can only get better though, good to hear you're starting college and on the up! I went to a different 6th form as well after GCSEs, and basically it was full of fit boys and plenty of them were gay. Plus no uniforms anymore so everyone looks 10 times fitter :) so you've got all that to look forward to! Good luck! xx
Yo, good to hear from you man. Sorry about all the crap you're going through, it won't be much consolation right now but you'll come out of this stronger.
Your dad will jst have to get used to it, no point pushing things there!
Good luck with college, sounds like it'll be good fun!
Keep smiling
College is a fresh new start and a chance to make new friends.
Alex will hopefully come around and is possibly terrified of being bullied again.
How does your dad think that a councillor will help? especially as most reputable ones know that you cannot choose your sexuality. In addition he could end up driving you away. Have you spoken to Val? maybe she can bring him round.
At least Matt is on your side and you no longer have to hide who you are. You will get through this and be a stronger person at then end of it.
Good luck and enjoy college its where I made the friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin, I almost never think about my school 'friends'.
You're a nice guy Josh, and a good friend. Things will get better as stuff settles down. You'll make more friends with people out there who accept you for who you are, not who people thought you were. It won't happen overnight though but I think you're on the right track.
Just be careful of counsellors - some are good some are rubbish and it's hard to know sometimes. They shouldn't be making you more confused. If that's happening let us know. Almost all of them mean well though but it's very hard for them to understand something like being gay, unless they're gay.
Oh and you CAN carry on the family name - if you want to. There are ways. Clearly your Dad is a little bit backwards in knowing about "our people" haha.
And the only thing that's really important to Mums, whether they're here or not, is for their kids to be happy. I think your Dad's a bit messed up right now and he doesn't really know what he's saying.
I'd be proud to have you in my family Josh, and I reckon deep down your family is to.
My Dad took ages to come to terms with me being gay but eventually came up trumps. (There's hope yet!)
Just keep your head high, ram it down nobody's throats but never deny it and find yourself a nice guy (Alex or another at your new College) who can and will support you in all the ups and down of being - an adult!
Incidentally, if you on your own or with a Partner choose to adopt kids of your own then usually they take your family name. So, sorry, but how much does your father know? He will have his grandchildren but that decision is YOURS in any event and not his.
Strange he should come up with that, actually - it's usually Grans and Mums who say that stuff.
PS There's more than one other British gay young gay whose blog is on IGB's bloglist if you don't know them already.
Sounds awful, what you're going through at the moment. But you must remember that you can be proud of who you are, no matter who you fancy or what other people may think of that. I hope Alex will come round and realises that although his feelings for you may not be the same as the other way around, he risks losing a true and loyal friend. And a funny one too. Just look at all those followers you have online. They see something unique in you and your extraordinary descriptions of what you probably see as your daily boring life. You're special, mate. And you're going to make someone a very lucky bugger some time in the future. Love from across the North Sea.
Nice to hear from you again Josh. I'm sorry to read that you've been through such a hard time. In some ways, however, you are through the worst bit of coming out. It took me a long time because my Dad's a priest (C of E), but he's OK about it now and so am I. So will you be - all you need is more gay-friendly (and gay) friends and you'll be OK. You'll find lots of gays in college; like any other people, some will be really great and one or two will be guys to be wary of.
You probably already know this; between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 people are gay. If you do the arithmetic, that should tell you how many other gay guys there are amongst your school friends and will be at college. Some won't have accepted themselves - they are the ones who are likely to be homophobic and/or perverts. The guys who are really bad to gay boys tend to be those who are know they might be gay themselves, but are afraid to admit it.
I'm sure there are lots of gays in Summertown. I was one of them once - used to live at Thackley End, just south of the traffic lights at the junction to Marston Ferry Road. I'd just finished at college, where I met my boyfriend. We were together for 18 years. He used to visit my flat in Summertown and we bonked like rabbits. I also found lots of books by and about gay people in Summertown public Library (I know you don't like books, so I won't go on).
Glad you are going to do a diploma in IT. You probably know that modern computers are all based on the work of Alan Turing - another gay guy. It had not been for him, there would be no blogs, no Facebook, no iPhones, etc. He had a terrible time when someone outed him, but things are much better for gay people now.
Straight guys, if they are really caring, should be taking care not only of the girls/women, but also looking after their gay brothers. Alex, if he wants to be a cool straight boy, rather than a slob and a bully, should be looking after you and seeing that you don't get beaten up or picked on. He can do that without taking his knickers off.
Take care, Josh, and look forward to being happy.
Loads of Love
Josh. You haven't disappointed anyone, least of all us.
Telling your family you are gay is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. When I told mine my mum said she never wanted to see me again.
Your family and everyone else will soon come to accept it, and I guarantee things will get better.
Good on Matt - he sounds like a great guy. Please promise that you will TALK TO HIM and not keep things bottled up.
Take care and be safe.
P.S. Here's something to say when straight people question your sexuality (or think you should change) -
"I chose to be gay at the same time you chose to be straight".
What these people don't understand is that it's really not a choice.
Not sure what to say. It breaks my heart that you feel you have disappointed any of us that read your blog. You have done no such thing. We may not be your inner circle, BUT WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. Matthew is sooo right about saying your gay, and it being liberating. Tell them all, look them in the face. Fuckem if they don't like it. This is how you find out if your "friends" really give a shit about YOU. If they can't handle it, move on and make new friends. For God's sake be good to yourself. And listen to your blog friends, we've all been through this, and can give you far more insight, than anyone else around you.
I'm deoxidized - because you wrote and explained some of your pain. But I'm sorry that you had a "getting out" instead of a "coming out". And I'm sorry that beside Matt your family hardly sympathetic.
I just can cross my fingers that all turns out in a good way and for sure I do it. Get back in contact with your friends. You will find out which are true friends and ignore the others. (I wish I did it like this after my coming-out).
Love - phil
Josh: I'd say that you are on the right course... focus on yourself and your schooling. You will be meeting new people, new friends, and potentially you'll find somebody who cares enough and is comfortable enough to be your boyfriend. I would not give up on Alex as a friend - it sounds like he has had a torturous past that he has no been able to reconcile as of yet - give him the space to work it out. At least now you have family and friends who know your situation and will help you - though they might need time to adjust.
Keep on writing even though you don't actually post - that in itself will help to clarify your feelings - probably more than a counselor (I have a friend who is a shit counselor - he is always cheating on his girlfriend...)
Anyway, good to hear your voice...
Welcome back, Joshie!
Em and Matt always suspected, and well done to Matt for supporting you. Don't forget that, although Em can be a real bitch, she never ratted on you to your dad. Not only that, but if Matt thought that Em really hated you, he wouldn't risk his relationship with her by being nice to you. So, while she probably doesn't show you much affection, you know that deep down she supports you.
As for your dad, that's more difficult - you'll get lots of advice from others better qualified than me.
As for nonsense like carrying on the family name, why shouldn't you father children? And if he comes up with nonsense like it wouldn't be a proper parenthood, would he dare say that to all the parents who used artificial methods of inseminations, or who used surrogate mothers, or who adopted children, for heaven's sake? He's just being irrational.
As for what your mother would think - I don't know whether your mother is dead or whether your parents are separated or divorced. But mothers are very often the ones who offer the most support to their sons when they come out. And they're very often the ones who know first - long long before a coming out.
Hang in there, Joshie, And know taht you'll have lots of support here when you need it.
Hugs
Adi
Josh,
I'm a 30 year old man and I'm still in the closet. I've made bundles of mistakes in my life but the biggest was never coming out. It's too late for me to do it now. because of all the pressure I felt I was under to be straight I ended up joining the Army, getting married and having some kids. Don't make the same mistake as me. Being 'straight' when you're actually gay is miserable. If you ever need to chat I only live in gloucestershire, please feel free to drop me a line.
Take Care
Celttitan
celttitan@live.co.uk
Hi Josh. OMG. There are so many things I want to say and, yet, I don't have any idea what to say, either. I think you get what I mean.
Let me just tell you this. I am certain that your mother would be proud of you and support you!
I hope that your counselor is on your side and trying to help you deal with how the world is treating you right now and not trying to change you. If so, then DON'T GO!
I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
I'm a supporter of gay rights. I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Hey Josh!
So good to hear from you again even though you have obviously been through a pretty shit time. Please don't think you have dissapointed anyone on here - we are all just concerned that you look after yourself. You sound more positive than before, and your change of school environment may well help (so of course does a new outfit,lol!). Congrats on getting into sixth-form college and good luck with your IT course.
Glad that Matt, at least, seems to be taking the news more sensibly than others. I think you have a good friend there and is someone you can really talk too. Sorry your Dad seems to hold such old-fashioned views. Why did he make you leave your job? And did you get a chance to speak to Frank or Nicholas about your troubles? And how did Alex find out about how you felt about him? Hopefully, in time, you will feel strong enough to tell us more and push that 'publish' button.
Counselling can help, but I would hope that he is treating you for your depression and not trying to coerce you into being someone you may not be. Only YOU can decide if you are gay or not, though having read your blog from Day 1 I think I know where I would put my money :-)
Anyway, welcome back and please, please, please take care of yourself.
Love'n'hugs
Bear xx
That is so rotten. Alex's Mum phoning your Dad like that... Parents are parents of course but too often they think that their responsibility gives them authority to behave in an extremely bad way. Part of human nature though. I expect she'd be shocked and self righteous if someone pointed out to her that her behaviour was not acceptable and quite wrong.
Sorry to find out that things have been very tough on you these last few weeks. But, whoever said growing up was easy? You are fast becoming an adult now Joshy and with this comes freedom. You have to grab it all with both hands and don't look back. Plan your way ahead. Eat up all the crap those around you dish out and wait for the day you can get financial freedom from them. Forget social life for a while, work really extra hard at college and be a success in your chosen course. Graduate and get a job.
Then the big day... Two Fingers Up to everyone.. walk out and be yourself with no strings attached.
Time passes quickly Josh... just hang on in there and you will win the best prize ever.
Sorry to hear things have gone so badly. I can't believe your Dad came up with that old line, I thought that crap had been consigned to history.
Here's hoping "New Josh" finds things a bit more enjoyable soon.
All the best and take care
Malcolm
I'm so sorry you're feeling crappy at the mo; many will tell you it'll all turn out for the best, even though you won't believe it just now, but it will, you'll see. With hugs from another gay guy in Summertown. xx
U are alive! :),I know that this events affects u to much, but never, let them to change your mind, worry and belive only in yourself ever, dont let a phiscologyst change u, they tried to change me; and remmember your mom only wanted you be happy, so your dad its no helping, maybe you can trust in matt, i dont know, but you need a real friend (friendly gay maybe nick) over there. Im proud of you, and now I hate Alex by the way,hes stupid or what. big hug from mexico
I'm sorry to hear that so many people are overreacting. Why directly sending you to therapy? Your dad would probably profit more from such sessions. Why can't people be more openminded?
I can imagine it's a very hard time for you at the moment, but please stay yourself. From your blog you seem a very nice person and there is nothing wrong with you. Don't worry to much.
Everything will work out ok!
Jeroen
"sorry if ive dissapointed u guys as well as everyone else"
I'm not dissapointed in you.
The only feeling i have right now, is anger, not at you, but at towards your DAD, and to say your mother would be dissapointed in you was a cruel thing to say.
No!, how can you possibly disappoint us! Dear Josh, this is the real world you are going through. This is what happens when a guy outs himself as being gay. Then you realize there are some jerks and some nice people like Matt, and many you can not really tell. Dear Josh, many people will understand you and they who don't are not your real friends. They might not have the mental competence to deal with things like homosexuality. People are not equally clever, rich, handsome, musical, etc. This summer you met differences in (social) intelligence ;-) Don't be afraid, just deal with it and learn to live with it. I think you know or feel what is good and wrong, and true and false. It is hard and you will feel alone many times, but you will get out of this stronger. Take care! With love, Merlijn
hi josh.sorry to hear about the ruff time you been having. your dad will come round he just needs time. when he finaly gets it in his head that its not a choice.
Alex will come round too. he seems a good friend and when he see that your still you and it dosnt change any thing. if he dont he isnt a true friend.
you just got to try and keep your chin up and keep holding on to who you are.never be sorry for who you are.
look after your self and hope to hear from you soon
JDB
You haven't disappointed me. I've been following your blog for about a year now, but under different names. I was in the army in Iraq when my family found out about me. Gawd, it sucked! No one even cared about whether or not I was safe. They were only worried about how I was ruining the family. My boyfriend was having to talk to my mom, and my dad wouldn't talk to me at all. I wasn't gonna be what everyone else wanted. That's what their life is for. I let everyone know that I am who I am. They don't have to like it, they just have to accept it. I still have family members that don't know, but as far as I'm concerned, it's none of their business anyway. I can't tell you that's how you should be. You're gonna have to figure things out on your own. But know, at least from this blog, that there are people out there that care about you, and want you to be happy. It's gonna be tough for a while, but keep your head up. When you're going thru hell, keep on going. You'll probably get to the other side before the devil even knows you're there. ;p
Randy
Hey Josh
It's so good to hear from you again - even if its not the best of news.
So I'm guessing that you came out to Alex, either by telling him or by doing something that showed your feelings towards him. I hope one day you'll press that 'publish' button and share that with us - the old saying is 'publish and be damned' but I think on here you could 'publish and be loved'.
Whatever happened, I hope that the consequences are gradually starting to ease off for you. It will take a lot of strength from you to get through this, but you deserve it to yourslef to do that. As far as you can, you need to try not to take your Dad's reactions too personally. I know that's so much easier for me to write than for you to do but basically, he's wrong. You are who you are, and what you are - it's not by choice. He shouldn't discriminate against you, or pressure you about the family name, never mind bring your Mum into it. (Mums usually know, anyway!)
You need to decide for yourself, who you want to be, not who they want you to be. You may have to live their way while your at home, but after that its your life to live how you want to.
Matt obviously doesn't think badly of you - he wouldn't talk to you if he did. He's even told you the best advice. And Em? Well, since when did her opinion mean anything?!
You may not have spoken to Alex, but take consolation in what his Mum said - that he will ccontact you when he's ready. She didn't say he won't contact you. It may be a long wait, but she implies that it will happen.
Dad is crazy to take you out of Frank's job, but you should be ok for the shop jobs - you're a much better potential employee having had a job already.
New college will at least give you something to concentrate on - and you need to do that, cos if you get behind there, your Dad's gonna go seriously overboard! If your friends are true friends, they'll still be there when you go back to them, plus you'll be making a load of new ones at college. (You might even find one who actually /is/ gay.)
Josh, you gotta look after yourself. You need to eat, and take care of yourself. You know that, you just need to force yourself to do it. Little by little, but you need to get back to where you were physically.
I wish I could make this better for you, but I can't. I'd come to you and give yo the biggest hug if I could, but I can't do that either (and having a random guy turn up and hug you probably wouldn't help things at home much either!) But I can be here if you need someone to talk to.
And Josh, how could you dissapoint me? You're kind enoough to share your life with me. I love reading your blog, and will always love to read as much or as little as you choose to post. You come across as the kind of guy I'd be proud of to have as a friend, not disappointed.
Take care
Simon
That last comment 'sorry if I've disappointed u guys as well as everyone else' is heart wrenching. You have not disappointed us Josh but the reaction of those around you has. They have put you through so much crap which you should not have to face. You have told us as much as you can or perhaps should about the Alex situation and perhaps he is also suffering in his own way. You were a good friend to him and befriended him as soon as he arrived in your school. Why are you seeing a shrink though? That sounds very American, like trying to turn someone straight. I hope college is what you need and you can start afresh. I still have this niggling question in my mind though as to why should you have to start afresh. I thought in this country we were finally getting beyond that. Well Josh hugs again, I wish sincerely I could do something for you but that alas is impossible.
Some sort of closure for you, at last. Unfortunately the whole 'coming out' process can change things for worse as well as for better. Hang in there Josh: we've been with you all the way and we want you to be happy. Trust me, as a gay man your life has only just begun :)
Poor Joshy x
Your dad sounds like a cnut.
Josh, Ive followed your blog since the beginning and ive got to say im more proud of you today than i have ever been. What you have done and how you are coping is testament to your own inner strength and personality. Alex should have known the issues being labelled as gay brought even if he want to know how to react towards you and its shameful of him to act that way. You havent mentioned Nicholas in al of this..is he an ally for you to go to at all. At least matt is supporting you..and i guess em will probably to given time. Take care and massive Hugs. James
Josh, We don't know each other, but somewhere out there in Britain, is another gay guy who is thinking about you and what your going through. Sounds like your Dad is in shock. You've had your whole life to know that your gay, he's only had a few weeks, so give him time. It might not mean much, but you have my support.
Has your Dad considered councilling for himself? He maybe locked in a permanent state of shock, like bereavement, it can take years to let it out - if ever, suggest this to your councillor the next time you visit.
My mum outed me by accident, she found my gay porn mags, I was 18. It turned out to be my Dad who was the most supportive. He didn't seemed fazed by it at all, carried on as normal. My mum on the other hand played a similar card to your Dad; "What would your Gran & Auntie say?" (My Gran was was dead - so couldn't think anything!) And my Auntie, well, she married a divorced man 20 years older than herself, so she's not exactly a guiding moral light, but she's happy and that's what counts.
I never did tell my Auntie that I was gay. But I did get to introduce her to my boyfriend at a family gathering one day, which didn't bother her at all. Turns out that she didn't care about my sexuality either, just like my Dad. From his point of view its none of his business, its a personal thing, and he's a very private man.
My mum got used to me being gay in the end. Ironically these days I don't have a boyfriend, but you know what... she keeps bugging that I need one! Go figure?!?
Take care Josh.
Dave ;)
Wow kid you just blew me away with all that. ---I had no idea all this was going on. ---I'm very proud of you. You're better off now that they know. At least you know where you stand ---You'll know your real friends from now on. ---- I had a younger lil dude staying with me and he was gay at least to my knowledge but around 18 he was on the computer alot and he told me he think he might like girls. I was very disappointed at first ---is it possible you could at least be bi I asked him....Now 10 years later we are still friends but he always has a girlfriend. Tell your shrink that you know it's not a phase and that you like being gay and that you hope your family will be more understanding and accepting---because you are Josh and you are always hard.----I guess that means a blow job from Alex is out of the question.
Josh!
Sorry to hear your troubles mate chin up things will get better. I was going to write this whole thing out but Simon hit the nail on the head!... So I will spare you the huge wall of text. Your Family Loves you.. it may be hard to see but they do... even Em but you need to eat! do we need to call you before every meal now? =P hope things start getting better. dont hide yourself from your friends
Take Care
Robbie
dude we all think you are the greatest. You haven't let us down--not a one of us. Your dad is an idiot right now but lets give him the benefit of the doubt... maybe it took him by suprise and he'll come around. ALex's mom did u a big favor even though u don't see it like that. She made the coming out decision for you.--Matt is the king but we knew that already i think. Is college over there like high school in the states?---Start wearin' rainbow flags and stickers and really let them have it...
hey Josh, I've never posted here before, but I know your going through a bad time i can feel it. Even though your Dad's acting a bit strange now, for example moving your tooth brush etc, dont worry I'm sure he's just trying to come to terms with it. It's good that you have Matt he seems a really nice guy. And the fact that everything is out in the open is a good thing believe me. It may seem hard now but it will open everything up to be a bit easier in the future. I wish I had your courage Josh, I'm 24 now and still no one knows I'm Bi and in that way I'm a bit jealous of you. Even though it seems hard now it's gonna get so much easier, since the hardest bit is over. And Josh dont feel pressured by your Dad saying he wants you to carry on the family name, its quite selfish of your Dad to say something like that, and just disregarding your feelings, seems your acting more mature than anybody, so I send my love and dont feel bad, I've read your posts silently for months, you seem a great guy, dont change that, take care.
Daniel
Theres no way you could disappoint any of us. It sucks you have to go thru this pretty much alone. I wish i was there to be your friend and give you the support you deserve.
Big hug Josh. It's been a harsh summer for you. Let's make one thing clear here:
You have disappointed absolutely *no one* on this blog.
You had no control whatsoever over how Alex, his family or your family would react.
Matt sounds like a good guy. It's nice to hear you have at least one supportive voice in the house. I'm disappointed in your dad. A friend of mine was kicked out of the house by his father when he came out. Your dad hasn't done that yet, but his reaction isn't that much better. Making you give up your job with Frank is definitely stepping over the boundary, and the toothbrush thing just seems petty. I hope the counsellor helps you out.
I also have my fingers crossed that with enough time, Alex will be comfortable enough to be your friend again. I guess if he was bullied about being gay before, he's probably twice as paranoid about being labeled gay-by-association now.
My grandmother's favourite phrase: "This too shall pass." Yep, things suck royally now, but in the long run, things will work out and hey - if you're out, all the *other* closeted gay boys at school or college will be able to find you that much easier.
Stay strong Josh, and look after yourself.
Stupid Joshie, of course you didnt disappoint your blog readers (well, at least not me...). You have been (or still are) in a really shitty phase of your life! You experienced hard things (with Alex, i guess) but also positive ones (Matt!) and the first thing now for you should be to think of yourself and not about others!
So I really hope that you'll get some of the strength that you'll need now out of all these comments!
Thinking of you
salomon
Coming out - especially when it's no longer under your control - is difficult. The end result is that you get to be who you really are and that you find out who your real friends/family are; those results are worth all the suffering, believe me.
If Matt's offering support and/or a shoulder, take it. Even if you guys haven't been terribly close, he's trying, and you'll need the help.
Your dad's going through some of the basic steps - denial, rejection, anger, etc. It's sad to say that he may *not* come out the other end on your side (or at all), but you have to give him a chance. It's a pretty big shock to his vision of the future, and while it's tougher on you, it's still tough on him. You have to be willing to take a few lumps at the start just to avoid a dramatic conflict, though at some point you do need to stand up for yourself.
Alex - well, there's not much to say. There are many ways that can go, and a lot of it depends on things you know nothing about. Alex got teased for being gay for years - maybe it's his mother's idea that he isn't and he's "fighting" that, or maybe he really isn't and thus has some trauma from the experience. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do in either case is "be there" if/when he decides to talk. It sucks, but a lot of life is learning to appreciate what was and never will be again. He may come around, but you have to be willing to accept that he may not.
You *will* lose friendships - not because there's anything wrong with you, but because there are things wrong with other people and they "can't handle it". You'll also make more friendships, and some of them will be even closer because they'll be with the real you, not a facsimile.
The important part, right now, is to cover your basics: make sure food/clothing/shelter are taken care of. Your dad made you quit Frank's - did you tell him why? That might be a contact you could use in the future, and he seemed like a genuinely nice person. Matt's offering support; others will too. As friends find out (and they will), learn which ones you can trust, and which ones you can turn to if things get really bad at home.
I'd love to be able to say that life will be pink roses and champagne, but let's be realistic: things might get tough. You're strong enough to get through them if they do, though, and you've got a network of people who will help. And, even if "always hard" comes to have two meanings, there are amazing benefits as well.
Good luck, and by all means we're here if you need us.
It's really shitty that you were outed instead of coming out on your own terms. I'm really sorry about that. The cat's out of the bag now Josh. You didn't want to tell your family or friends, for good reason; but now that they know, you can tell EVERYONE!!!
So you don't work for Frank, tell him you are gay anyway. You can't work for him, but you can still talk to him. Tell your neighbor too. Tell people you know are gay. One of them will be become a good friend. And call that cousin of yours up too!
Remind your dad that you can still carry on the family name with another man. What a doofus! He is obviously ignorant as hell about AIDS. He's the one that needs to talk to a doctor and get some facts straight.
I think your dad is the confused one, you just need to ask him...do you think any chooses to be gay? It's so much easier to be straight! Basically you live a secret life for the first 18ish years of your life, as we know we're gay from a very young age, and I used to think(hope) I'd grow out of it.
And to then say your mum would be so disappointed is, well, probably the most maninpulative thing I have ever heard! So wrong for him to have said that. Peace Brother is so right when he says mums are only interested in their children being happy. I thought that is all dads were interested in too!
I am so happy for you, you won't realise it yet(hope that doesn't sound patronising) but this is a good thing. I would say even by Christmas people would have got over the "shock" of it all and your dad will be fine with it. Initially your dad will probably be a little embarrassed about the situation...ie he'll have to tell his friends, family and he will feel that this will emasculate him.
It did sound like you entered a mini depression(I have suffered with this on many occassions as I was sexually abused as a child for 8 years and sometimes find it hard to get over), and the trouble with depression is that you feel guilty for enjoying yourself or doing things you like, such as eating! Makes you feel like not doing anything. But honestly that feeling in your tummy will go, the over analysing in your head will stop and you will feel better. I promise...just give it time.
I hope you're ok but if you feel things are too much, don't make rash decisions and just ask for some advice.
I love reading your blogs and I hope you continue with them.
lots of love and a big hug
Josh xxx
josh i`ve read most of your post that you have done and have to admit this post has took my breath away.
first you dads just being a nob as most dads can be he`s so miss informed in all this it`s unbelievable.
Mats being there for you
cool. about the job you really should have stood up to your dad ring frank back tell dad its for you to decide .you never mention your mum before josh mate dont worry about the postings josh am sure most people hear think allot of you . G-STAR
Good to see you back in the game. Maybe others' perceptions could help you out.
With your dad, play it with some good old British Dark Humour. Tell him: at least he won't have to worry about teenage pregnancy, even if you're trying hard.
With Em: she's got competition for Matt. LOL
With Alex: remind him what he had to face at those other schools and make him realize that you're going through the same thing and most likely need his help.
Bro, post those un-posted blogs whenever/if-ever you feel ready. You know you got readers.
Josh,
Thanks for this blog entry. It sucks when life goes to shit for a while, but that is the way it goes sometimes. I'm sending you a big virtual hug.
Two points:
1. Give your Dad time to come around. You've had a few years to come to grips with your feelings for guys. Your Dad hasn't. For him this has to be a major shock. With time, a little education and support from you, he will become an even better Dad. Let him take as long as he needs, but don't stop talking to him. This is when you need to be as open with him as you possibly can. Tell him how you feel, let him know that he is not a disappointment to you, let him know that you understand how difficult this must be for him, ask him to help you recover and become your old self again.
2. Have you considered visiting one of the gay youth meetings in your area? I Googled "Oxford gay youth" and a couple of sites look promising. You can even talk with a staff member/volunteer privately if you are not ready to join a group meeting.
Be strong, help your dad get through this and eat your vegetables.
Hugs,
Ikben
And hey, no being a recluse in your bedroom. Go out and enjoy yourself.
Josh you do know that they are all wrong right? That there is nothing wrong with you at all?
Just making sure.
Come live with me. You will be the king of the household.--- Yes Josh..--What do you need Josh? Alow me Josh. I'm on my knees Josh---You will be driving your own car ----King Josh
Not a single person here Josh is unsympathetic to your plight, we are all here for you. Its understandably difficult to have such a rough time coming out, or being dragged out as you were but please cheer up - we want you up and about and smiling.
Life is a journey with ups and downs, your life isn't over just because you are going through one of the most earthshaking moments in the shaping of yourself.
So Alex and you were not meant to be, this is how things turn out sometimes, and though we would still want to hear what went wrong and how it turned out, what we want even more is to hear about you brightening up, enjoying life again.
I'm certain your dad will come around, maybe Alex as well (although I would think twice about befriending him again after speaking to his mom), and then your life will be back on track, a different track perhaps, but one you'd feel more comfortable with.
Also, I bet there are many guys on this blog follow list that would be happy to meet you if you ever feel up to it. Some of them could even make you happier then Alex ever could.
Josh
im a bit lost how did alex find out or have I missed a post.
He will come round I'm sure I have lots of str8 friends and they are fine with my gay friends too.
My dad was so antee me for about two months then wow he came round and has accepted it and is happy for me now, we even talk to each other lol. Why did you have to give your job up.?
Good on em and matt they will support you im sure, matt already is.
The guy who owns the cats you think is gay, have you chatted to him?
Don't stop blogging and the guys at college will be differnt about you being gay in sure, if I'm asked I reply yes I am pity your not, that usually breaks the ice and they are fine.
Good luck keep blogging and keep your chin up and put the dam toothbrush back in the cupboard.
oh god....I'm almost 22 and still basically in the closet (tho all my friends and my sister know), can't even imagine what you're going through. I wish I had your courage, Josh, I really do. WE ALL LOVE YOU.
We're so proud that you're handling this.
You know, I always knew Matt was the good guy you could confide with the most, ever since that sore testicles incident.
There is something sad about it I guess when the person you can trust the most is your sister's girlfriend.
I hereby dedicate this post for Matt for being such a jolly good fellow. He deserves a thumb up for it.
Good to see your still with us.You are an inspurration to every young person that reads your blog.My late mother once told me life is like a great book.Chapter 1.Mistakes Made. Chapter 2 Let lifes great adventure begain.
Derek
Here's a big tickle to make u smile dude ... hey josh at least we don't have to put up with bourne identity tonite. :) xx
you've approved comments three times today. i'd say that's a sign of progress. stay strong, josh. eat. live. spend as little time at home as possible, IMO. hang around school. make friends. get a new job. be out in the world and you will find there are places where you can be OUT in the world and it won't matter. and, the only person you have to worry about disappointing is yourself!
wow man ur dad is a jerk. but seriously there will always be people tht don't approve and whtnot just like ur dad and such. but YOU know there is nothing wrong wiht u jujst different and thats fine so no matter what anyone says as long as u are ok with yourself that is all that matters. when i came out my dad said i have demons in me that make me think i am gay and he just str8 up didnt like it at all. BUT i didnt even care. its just like "oh thats wht u think? how unfortunate for u to have to feel that way. im gonna go be happy and be myself now bye" just be urself and u will be happy and of course this way u wont have to be wondering if anyone knows or suspects or anything and trust me tht is wonderful to not have tht paranoia.
for real? fuck that, man. you are awesome!! :D it sucks that you're surrounded by homophobic twits. but hey, you gotta deal somehow i guess :/
also, stop feeling sorry for yourself. moping around will only make you feel worse. when you are around matt and em or your dad or anyone else who knows, be confident. be yourself. if you think about it, YOU haven't changed at all... they're the ones who are acting weird at the moment. when you're around them, you should always have the attitude as if to say "I'm right, and YOU'RE wrong!" and maybe throw em a little "fuck you!" glance every once in a while... if ya know what i mean
btw you're going to love college, man. trust me!! it's like starting your life all over again. and you'll meet so many good friends (better friends). friends who you will *want* to confide in. and that's the best!
stay awesome!! :D
Great to hear from you again Josh. You have gone through the hardest part now (i.e. people knowing that you are gay). It probably wasnt the way you wanted it to come out but at least its out in the open now. I know it doesnt seem like it now but things will get better and your family and REAL friends will come to accept you for what & who you are - a realy nice, loveable, thoughful, kind person.
Your Dad is bound to have had a shock and will be going through a grieving process i.e. not having grandchildren, worried about you having a hard time, worrying about what other people think etc but this is only to be expected. Deep down he does love you and nothing can change that or the fact that you will always be his son. He just needs some time to get used to the idea.
It's great that you have the support of Matt - he has been a really good friend and obviously cares about you. talk to him, confide in him and this will help you get through this next couple of months.
Get yourself geared up for college and look at it as a whole new exciting chapter in your life. You dont have to hide anymore or pretend to be something you aren't and you will meet lots of new friends who (like we do) will love you for being you.
Give Alex some time and I'm sure he will come around. I know you will never be able to have the relationship you wanted to have with him but i think given time he will remain one of your closet friends and that can be just as important.
Keep your chin up and think of all the georgeous boys you are going to meet at college!! We look forward to hearing all about it!
Take care x
Wow, what can I add to all the excellent comments already posted? Josh, you should have shared your troubles with us and not held back. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Be proud of your sexuality; you are not the one with a problem, THEY are! Btw, your personal life is YOUR business not everyone else's. Ever hear of NOYFB? Tell your family that your sexuality is not up for discussion and you are the same as always. You are young and vital; focus on your upcoming education and banish that stupid depression; there is a gay guy out there who will love you and you can have a nice life together with double incomes and children if you want. Best of all when you complete your education and are working you will have your independence and freedom. Don't take shit off of anyone about your sexuality. Get mad.
-Who says Alex is not gay? His parents? If he was harassed and called 'gay' for a couple of years at a former school, that is a subtle clue about the denial. All of a sudden Alex is not your friend anymore cos you are gay? Fuck that. Go over to his house and go for a walk with him, and don't take no for an answer. Don't let outside forces bust up your friendship. Ffs, you're not a kid anymore; you are starting college and are a man as far as I am concerned; don't let people push you around, assert yourself. Talk to Matt; he sounds like he has some clues. bfn - Wayne (hugs) (I'm fuckin angry at the way you are being treated about your sexuality; this is 2010 ffs!)
glad you posted. Coming out this way is so hard.
I'm sad for Alex. I'm sad that he got bullied. He didn't deserve that.
I'm sad for you that Alex outed you when you were not ready. You don't deserve that.
I'm sad that your crush for Alex is not requited. It is a loss and ought to be mourned.
Having gone through what you are going through, I know that it gets better. I know that the way forward is to be who you are, and not what anybody else wants you to be. I know that that route is full of pain and misery in the short term, but I also know that that route leads to great joy too. There will be a day when the pain is proven worthwhile, by the love we receive. May that day come soon.
Best wishes.
Aron
You most definately haven't disapointed us, your life is main priority! A fresh start sounds good, it may be what you need, you may find it easier to be honest about your feelings with new people.
And you must remember your family still love you. They may be finding things strange at the moment, but they love you all the same, and time will heal. And ignore any abusive comments on here too.
Good luck Josh! :-)
Truly your Father needs to see a counsllor if he truly believes that being homosexual is something that one can "catch" from having a toothbrush next to a straight person's. I have heard some strange comments regarding homosexuality, but that is definitely the topper. If Matt is OK, perhaps you can talk to him as well as the counsellor, as long as he knows it is confidential. I wish you all the best. It WILL get better as you mature and you come into your own.
Much Love
Gordon
Hi Josh
Coming out is definitely one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Its pretty normal for parents to not accept things at first, but your dad will come around eventually I bet. Don't let anyone convince you that you aren't gay or anything crazy like that. No one convinced you to be gay in the first place!
A
Just sending some support Josh. I wouldn't have had the strengh to deal with all you've been through recently. Seriously, you should be very proud of yourself and who you are!
ps. Keeping your toothbrush in a separate cabinet is a very ignotant and childish move on your fathers part. He should be ashamed for not supporting you!
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. time to come out. and stop wasting your time with this blog. pull the plug and start living a real life.
Greetings from America Josh!! I'm so glad you are back. We love you and have missed you so much.
I'm sorry your summer has not turned out the way you had planned. Please, keep talking to Matt, for a straight guy he makes a lot of sense and he's not bad on the eyes either.
Keep loving your dad. I know thats hard to do right now. Show him you are the better man in all of this.
Work hard at college. Doing well there is such an important part of your future.
Keep your eyes open for that cute boyfriend who may pop into the picture when you least expect it. Maybe a hottie with an American accent!!
We love you Josh!!
Damn, that's a tough coming out experience. Good to hear Matt take your side. Your dad, frankly, will have to get over it.
What he said about your mom being disappointed is all rubbish. He has no idea, honestly, how his wife would have reacted.
I know it's hard now, but I promise you that things will get better. When you go to college, or get your own place, you can live life on your terms.
HANG IN THERE. What is it that they said during WW2? Keep calm, carry on. That's all you can do.
But please trust me when I say things will get better.
I hope all the kind comments have been helping...you on the right track by letting it all out on the blog. It's sure to help others as well.
This is sure to be not much consolation right now, but tons of gay guys have had falling in love with a straight best friend disappointment. It's important to try to restore the friendship, remembering it'll be different than before.
Don't be disheartened if he goes 'super straight' and flaunts a token girlfriend about....it'll just be a overreaction on his part, try to rise above it. If you get to talking one day, try to welcome any new woman, that will help both of you, this will be hard. Even though it's definitely not your fault, try to acknowledge any bullying by association he's had....it'll help restore your friendship, eventually he'll realize your not the cause and acknowledge your concern...but that will be hard I'm sure...maybe sometime in the future when you're more established and happier and stronger.
This feeling of having the center of your life falling away will pass, even quicker if you look towards your new course and friends with happy (even gay!) eyes and heart.
Take note of one of the comments on the counselors...they can often cause more harm than good. Often they're just trying their best, but working out of a book or what they did on a week long course...blah, not much help.
Our prayers are with you.
You have disappointed no one. And you should not feel that you have.
If the people around you cannot accept you for who you are that is THEIR fault and their fault alone, there is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with THEM.
Stay strong buddy, I only wish I could help <3
Josh I was very happy to see your post and very sad after reading it. You are not a disappointment you are an inspiration to us. You will survive this and come out a stronger and a better person. Reading the comments already posted, you have got a lot of good advice. I do not think I can add anything new.
There is one point I would like to make that you and other followers of your blog may not agree with. I do not believe Alex is your friend. If he was a good friend this would never have happened. He would have come to you and told you the problems he was having with you. He would have given you and himself a chance to work things out, even if it meant ending your friendship. It should have been kept between the two of you and if he was your friend it would have. Instead he went to his mother and she called your father. The result your life as you knew it was destroyed. Your standing in your own family has been put in jeopardy. He did more damage to you than any enemy could do. The comment his mother made that he will call you when he is ready. What she really meant was I do want you calling him and I am not going to let him call you. Josh the best thing you can do for yourself is forget Alex he is your enemy not your friend. He has taken everything from you. I know you probably still care for Alex and I am sorry I am so negative towards him but that’s how I feel. You really need to forget him and avoid him.
Josh you need to concentrate on rebuilding your life. Start eating and gain your weight back your family see’s you as a sick looking gay boy. Gain your weight back and look healthy their reaction to you will improve. Act happier around the house even if you are not. Give one hundred and ten percent in school. There are other ways to make your father proud and doing well in school is one of them. Your father loves you and that love will eventually bring him around to accept you for who you are, his gay son. Find a new job and become as independent as possible. Get an AIDs test and when you get the negative results back post them near the tooth brushes.
I thought I couldn’t add anything new. Looks like I was wrong.
Josh a new adventure in your life is beginning, pick up your sword and march forward and never look back. The past cannot be changed the future can.
With a great deal of respect and admiration,
Carter
josh i am so sorry to hear what happened. i guess things just don't work out the way you want them to, and i've been through the thinking he is gay (and liking) a boy so i came out to him. was rudely disappointed too..
bad that you are "forced" to come out to your family now but i am happy that you still got plans for yourself :) like matt said, have the bravery to be who you are and like the person you truly love.
let college be a fresh start for you, who knows what experiences and people you will meet there rightie? WARMEST HUGS.
I'm really glad ur back and are well; I don't really know what to make of events but I'm glad matt has been so mature and supportive.
I reckon that there are many people that would do anything to help you with no thought of gain for themselves - I'm one for sure - you need help - I'll do my utmost. I never could stand by and not help if I could.
Best wishes - I know how you feel
Good to hear from you Josh. I don't think anybody here is disappointed in you, just worried.
I always thought you were a bit harsh on your Dad in previous posts, but it sounds like he deserved everything he got. The toothbrush thing is out of order.
Anyway, hang in there Josh. Things can only get better!
Josh - I am not disappointed with you! Matt seems like a lovely guy and has been a constant friend to you; there are more people like him around, and some of them are even gay!
Continuing your studies in a subject of genuine interest to you is a good move, and you are likely to attract much more positively-minded people at sixth-form college, many of whom will be fit, and some of whom will be gay!
What did you mean that your Dad "made" you leave your job? Please, please at least consider talking to Frank about this. It should really be a decision between you and him. Please think about it, anyway.
Thank you for posting this news, as awful as it is. You are obviously a considerate young man, and thoroughly deserve to be loved. x
Funny thing, Id bet money your mom woulda loved you even if u were an axe murderer. You should tell your dad that. Dont sweat him and the toothbrush. My stepdad gave me alot of heat similar to that when I was about your age growing up. He used to post all the various possible diseases gay men can contract on the refridgerator. Fun times. Srsly tho. Seems Matt is a good ally for you atm. Do the counseling sessions cause ur dad wants u to, but dont lie about how u feel. Lifes too short and enjoy being young.
Josh
You have disappointed no one who reads your blog.
Glad to read that Matt is so supportive.
Look after yourself!!
Sheeesh! Getting outed is seriously uncool. Dad's are hard to deal with... I came out to my Dad about 3 years after everyone else, this was a few months ago, and it took him about a month to get his head around it. I was pretty angry about his reaction and he realised that after a couple of weeks.
What your Dad said about your Mum - Pretty mean. You'd know best - would she really have cared? You're still the Josh you always have been. I think Mum's are better at remembering the good things about people, and it's Dad's that bring up the other stuff more often.
Hey - even though you can't choose your family, you can still choose your friends. Sometimes you just need to cut your losses and find new people (I know, it's much easier said than done! - I've had a go).
Sometimes the way your friends react can tell you how they really feel about you. A while ago I told my best friend that I'd fallen for him - he had figured this out quite a while before I admitted it and he didn't care. It was a real surprise, I thought he might have gone quiet and would start to ignore me, but that didn't happen. Alex might cool down after a while, so wait for a little bit and see. If he does, maybe he'll be a better friend than before. You'd be able to talk about more stuff too.
You should vent a little more. Talk to Matt, or us, we know better! (a lot of us having been in similar awkward situations). Go and have a sandwich or something too!
Andy
im sorry but ur dad is an ass for saying that ur mum wouldve been upset...lol dont think he would know since mums think differently. at least that 50 ton weight has been lifted off ur shoulders. matt seemed more of a real friend supporting you. at least u know who ur real friends are.
OK, you've got a billion lines of comments to get through. I'm so sorry your outing was so awful, and that even your family thinks this is all a "choice".
You know there's a lot of us out here to support you, that care about you. We may be virtual but we do care. Ask if you've got questions, vent if you need to vent. You haven't been shy up til now.
Congrats on college! That's awesome! I don't know much about the UK education system, but another blogger explained the terms and grading cause I asked about his, and you did well! Well cool!
Peace <3
Jay
Joshie, My dear sweet boy,
You have had a year of grown up life doled out in a short amount of time.
I'll start from the bottom and work up.
You've not now, or ever dissapointed me. I can't speak for everyone else, but you are a gem as ever! You should know, true friends never hate!
Congrats on College and new hair.
It is a new horizon, for which you are well suited.
I knew Matt would have your back when you came out.
Now on Alex, Sorry bout that, you and he are poisoned by both your parents. Now if he is truly straight? Time will tell one day. But none the less, the damage to your trust is evident!
His Mom is speaking for him as she has many times before.
Your Dad will need time to accept you. And this business of Surnames is just crap. You are not here to serve his desires of pro-creation.
You can't live your life for other people. If you do you will forever be a slave to their expectations. As for the comment on Mum, Oh Josh, I've waited painfully for you to mention her and I've noticed that you have not. All that I will say is. Mom's always respect their sons whom ever they become!
Now on that mention of expectations. You need to rest assured you have every right to reserve your private experiences with others.
Because you have elected to share so much of your life here, does not give anyone the right to demand or expect details.
You are the visage of the person many of us would have liked to be at your age, well-spoken, witty and deadly attractive. You will get your stride again, then rule all that you survey.
Our winsome King J!
We lovingly adore you.
I wish you well.
E-G
Oh, and an idea...once you've gained some trust with the counselor (who hopefully is't going to try to "talk you out of being gay"), you might suggest (s)he call in your dad, and explain to him that being gay isn't a choice, it's who you are. Sometimes hearing it from an impartial source goes a long way.
Peace <3
Jay
Josh!
I've been so worried, but I'm glad that you're doing mostly okay.
I'm sorry that telling Alex didn't work out so well, but at least now it's in the open. I didn't intend to be out when it happened, but the friends that are supportive are the best. You may find yourself with better and stronger friendships because this mental block is no longer there.
Trust in your brotherhood with Matt. He seems like the kind of guy I wish that I had when I was going through my coming out and in life in general. He can be a great mentor and friend through this process.
I hope that things go well with school. I bet it'll be a great change for you. At least the lame classes will seem to have a point to them!
You're parents are the hardest because they spend every moment from conception to present day planning and hoping for your life. I like Dan Savage's advice about parents: Give them one year to be a horrible person, to treat you like shit, to have their temper tantrums. Then: find the quickest way to drop them. Our parents dealt with our crap when we were kids and while they are "kids" regarding your homosexuality, give them that same space and time. After that....well I hope it goes well for you.
Enjoy your time with the counselor. In most cases they don't have to share any information with your parents.
Best regards!
"i cant have my toothbrush in the cabinet next to theirs"
TELL YOUR DAD IM COMING OVER AND PUTTING THAT TOOTH BRUSH ALONG WITH MY BOOT SIDE WAYS IN HIS @#$!!! Sorry for all the crap you’re going through Josh hope you get better soon.
Vet Soldier... Out...
Time passes, Josh. Thank whoever you want for that, but it does, and you remember the good and the bad...hope you will have more good than bad. You are a good lad.
Josh,you haven't disappointed any of us.
I turned 18 this year, and I'm not even close to having the guts you do. Seriously, you're the bravest fucker I know :)
Your friends love you, you know that, so just give them a chance yeah? Even Alex, you two are amazing friends, and alex just needs time to think things over and adjust - you understand :)
It's probably a shock to your dad, mostly because he heard it second hand... if it had come from you it probably would have been easier, but don't worry at all, and don't let it get to you.
Think of people who you know you can rely on to treat you like the person you are - Nicholas, for one, Matt is another, and there's always your cousin. :)
Chin up lad.
I know this might sound creepy as fuck...cos I'm starting uni and you're starting college (although there's only 2 year between us) but you have my email address (tom.g.1) so if you need to talk just email me, or ask for my number to text or whatever...
One of my best friends is in the same year as you :) She's amazing, trust her with my life.
I've been reading for a long time, don't really comment to much, but reading this really hit a nerve, almost the exact same thing happened to me when I was 19. I know some people think Alex might come around, but you know what? Speaking from experience, you are better off without him.
Whether or not he's gay isn't the point. He was supposed to be your friend. If he didn't have the balls to tell you to your face, he could have sent you an e-mail and told you he didn't want to talk to you any more. Instead he goes to his mommy and has her ruin your life and embarrass you? What kind of friend is that? I don't think he will ever come around, if he does it probably won't be for years, and even though you can't see it now - by that time you won't need him in your life.
Right now you're hurting, probably more than you thought you could, and that's understandable. I would mourn the loss of my friend (Alex)and heal from that and move on with your life (which it seems like you are starting too).
He will always have a place in your memory and heart, but you don't need people in your life that are going to play havoc with your emotions and jerk you around. Alex showed his true colors by his actions and how little he really valued your friendship and actually I suspect that you probably considered him a better friend than he considered you, from some of your past posts. Sometimes that happens and its always painful when you find out the truth.
You're a great person (I've read every post)and right now you're in a bad spot, but like a lot of others have said you can learn from it and grow stronger. Time does heal these sort of things, even if it doesn't seem like it for now.
Hang in there, things will get better - Rich
You're behaving like any sane person would in the midst of these strange 1950s people and YOU'RE the one who gets sent to counselling? That's really mind-boggling. Please tell me the counsellor isn't trying to turn you straight.
A decent counsellor would suggest you and your dad come in together then proceed to tell your dad what a gigantic arsehole he's being (in more diplomatic terms).
Don't let anyone change who you are or tell you who to be! You're gay and you shouldn't feel bad about it. College is a new start, go in there and say " I'm gay, who wants me?" be proud Josh because you're a good guy and don't let them make you think differently. Matt sounds like he is really being supportive, which is great! You dad will take time, but he will come round.
Don't change Josh x x
Hey Josh, sorry to hear what happened. Sucks when u find out that people dont feel the same way.
Good luck with your course man
No fault here is yours - you don't choose who you are. It takes time to work out who you are and what you want, and that's your business and no-one else's. You can't help who you are and you weren't to know what Alex had gone through in the past. Hopefully in time he'll come back to your friendship, but of course it will take you time to get over him. I fell for my best friend at school, didn't tell him for years though. We are still friends many years on.
Yes it is liberating to be out but it has to be when you feel you are ready. Things will get better with time.
WOW omg josh that is insane. Did you tell alex? Or did he "catch you" or something?
I'm SOOOOO sorry buddy really. Matt seems like a *really* good guy, and probably is someone you can confide in and talk to. So keep dealing with him.
Your dad hopefully will come around, and do what you got to do to make the best of your fresh start.
You have a *lot* of people that care about you on here.
Much Love and a bajillion hugs--
Steve
We're all relieved to hear from you.
Kind of shocked that a good friend would react in such an over the top manner no matter what his or your sexual preference. As your blog friends suggest--when you feel stronger you should use this opportunity to seek out new friends at college. Your happiness obviously matters to a great no. of people whose lives you've touched.
Be well!
Don't let him get wind of your blog Josh. He'll think we're all pedos trying to groom you.
OMG.
What sort of world do we live in?
This chain of events all seems very over the top. I understand your dads shock (as a straight man), but he seems to be trying to 'straighten you out' some how, 'just a phase lol'.
This post I imagine makes alot of people sad, how can people of a mature age (your dad) act so ignorantly and add to your pain, at least Alex and maybe your friends have the excuse of immaturity.
As people have said do not hide away, you may get a few negative opinions but the world is a much more accepting place and to be gay is no longer than unique or something to hide.
I cannot understand your dads extreme behaviour, but lets hope that is the worst its gets. The only way is up.
Embrace College, its one of the best time sof your life, in a years time you won't believe how you felt at this time. you are liberated so go out there and grab the world by its balls.
All my luv and best wishes.
James T
Josh - good to see you back. You owe us nothing matey, so never worry about not blogging because your life is yours.
Things will settle mate, and you will be stronger because of this. You are out now - just dont let your dad force you back in.
Your dad is being a knob, hopefully he will take a look in the mirror and realise this.
Matt is being just how I imagined he would - much respect for him and his support.
take care dude, you have a lot of support here :-)
Sure it'shas been rough, and there will be many more times like this old mate(sorry that's part of the gig).Growing up can be a rough road,but be sure you will also experience some magical highs.
College will be good - no uniforms and you will be treated as an adult.Be yourself,and find friends who like the things that you like.Man you can have so much fun.
Only you know what went on with Alex,hope you can maintain some contact,he seemed to enjoy your company & must be missing that.
Maybe he just can't be honest with himself,& YOU. Be patient with him, maybe it's his parents who won't what thier son is. At least now you don't have to hide anything from your family.
Hey mate, it is all going to work out ok - you have a whole life in front of you, get out there and have some fun!!!
Josh, you need to disclose to your counsellor that your dad has required you to remove your toothbrush from the cabinet. It's a small seed of ignorance that will grow to bigoted disposition in your dad/family. Nip it in the bud, but let the counsellor educate your dad; adult-to-adult intervention gets more success. If your family breeds prejudice, there's no stopping everyone else. Sorry that you have to deal with such intensity, know this: it will come around and the dust will settle. Remind your dad, family and friends: "
I am Josh first, I'm your son, your brother, your friend first. I just happen to be gay."
Hey Josh,
You're no disappointment here. Sounds like Dad needs counseling too.
Don't be too hard on Alex, I'm sure him telling his Mom and having her call your Dad was not his idea. For his Mom to explain his past and to tell you "he'll call when he's ready" tells me that she is aware of what her actions has caused, and that she is not necessarily against you.
Don't change a thing with yourself, and those around you will see that you are still the same old Josh.
Stay sweet!
*HUGS!*
Mike
Oh heck, you really have had a rough old time of it haven't ya? Well, it's good to hear from you. Like you said it is a kind of a new start, what with college and all, so try and look to the future if you can.
You always knew it would be hard with your old man, but now he knows, it will eventually get easier. He's burying his head in the sand with the "just a phase" crap, but he'll come to terms with it in the end. Got to say, although I know it's not my business, but he's pretty harsh bringing your mum into it.
You have Matt (and others) to talk to though, and you will find life is a whole lot simpler when you don't have to lie.
I'll stop now, you clearly aren't short of advice at this point! Thinking of you though, much love.xxx
Oh Josh, so sorry you've had a difficult summer. ((hugs)) Matt sounds a really nice guy though.
It's good you're feeling positive about college. It's the start of a new chapter in your life and hopefully you can totally be yourself, make new friends and meet lots of hot gay boys. Have fun!
And Alex and your dad are being stupid about it all but I hope it'll get easier with them. Deep down your dad still loves you and wants the best for you - I hope you and him can see the counsellor together so you can really talk things over.
You're a nice lad and your real friends will understand you've had a hard time. And all your blog readers love you. :)
Wow - that was pretty low of Alex, going to his mum and all that. He could have just told you how he felt and there would have been no need for all this.
Dear Josh,
It is indeed very gooooooood to hear from you again.
I friend of mine asked me last week why I was so distant... I didn't tell him, but your situation reminded me of a very similar one I went thru fifteen years ago. Many times during the last weeks I kept wondering what had happened to you and how you had managed to get thru it.
It's tough! I know!
Now, 15 years later, things are sorted out. My mom always knew I was gay. Ok, she wasn't sure, but it was that 80% probability you can't ignore. Guess all parents know.
As for your dad, looks like he always knew as well. His reaction was much better than mine. You were not beaten and thrown out of the house in front of all neighbourhood kids just to let him flex his macho man image.
If your dad doesn't talk about it, just let it be, it's his way of dealing with the fact. Comments like keeping on the family's surname, you may sit next to me, blablabla, are just ways to express things he can't deal with yet.
It took me years to understand that straight people in fact can't understand us, it's not their nature, their brain is just wired differently from ours.
As for Alex, something seems wrong. Remembering all the moments he was with you, then suddenly distant, then with you again, tells me something was banging in his mind for a while.
The years to come will tell if I am mistaken, but my bet is that he is gay, fears it and therefore pretends he is not. Maturity will make him learn different.
Nonetheless, since you are going for Information Technology, two advices:
- go for software programming: .NET or Java platforms. It pays well and there are just not enought people in the world with these skills. Hardware and network are the domain of asians and in that field they are much better than us :)
- find yourself someone to shag with.
This still happens then? Did to me at 16. Small town, so it got spread fast. It's rough. It sudddenly shut a lot of doors of boys I'd thought were friends until then.
Three stuck with me, despite me not being wanted in the home of one of them any more.
A savage lesson in learning to be lonely. I never 'came out' again; decided it was better if people made up their own minds. If they liked me and wanted to ask eventually, I wouldn't lie.
But rightly or wrongly, I've mostly tried to work on the principle that people who want to know if you're gay almost before they get to know anything else about you don't make good friends.
It's all too easy to end up the 'token gay boy'in a group otherwise. Or to drift into being the 'one night stand whore' and that's hard to get out of if you get stuck with it, believe me.
I spent most of the last 2 years at school pretending to be a lot more self-confident than I really was; still do, and get called an arrogant bastard' sometimes behind my back because of it. I didn't have the option of a sixth form college to make a break to.
Left home as soon as I could, to work for a theatre first, then to go away to uni as far away as I could, and start a new life where nobody knew anything about me but what I wanted them to know. But it made me far too cautious about letting too much out to friends forever, I think.
Raffaele
Hay Josh is Back !!! Good to hear your news. You’re finally beginning to be you! We are not disappointed in your; we know you for who you are. It is those who thought they know you who have disappointed themselves. I think college is going to be good for you. It’s cool to be gay, don’t shout it and don’t hide it, just be you. The most important thing is don’t try too hard to please others, you are who you are and don’t let anyone try to change you. At the end of the day this is your life and no one other. You get out what you put in. Be guided but not never led. And always do what your heart says and never say sorry if your think you are right. Be a good person to yourself and to others and you will be fine. All this has done me well in my own little gay way. IT good choice. Best of luck Josh. Andy xx
I officially hate Alex, what an immature jerk. Real friends stick with each other throughout, they do not go about making their lives harder.
And your dad, I'm sorry to say but he's the one who should be sent to counseling, he's mental. I can understand his disappointment, but he's also supposed to be there for you no matter what.
So here you've got a friend not acting like a real friend and a dad not acting like a responsible and loving parent. No wonder you feel so down.
Don't let it get you down though! Because for every jerk in your life there is someone like Matt just around the corner. Find those people and make them your inner circle.
Also remember we are here for you, even if we have no face or real names, we are actual persons somewhere across the internet, who cheer for you constantly.
Josh wanted to tell you about a movie I saw that may help your situation. It was made in America for TV, but it’s available on iTunes in America for a small fee. Hopefully it will be available on iTunes U.K. The name of the movie is ‘Prayers for Bobby’ it is a sad movie based on a true story written by Bobby’s mother. If you could get your dad to watch it I think it would help him understand how you feel and how his actions and own feelings are hurting you. It may be good for your whole family to watch; your dad, Em, Matt and Val. If you can’t find it on iTunes you can get it thru Amazon U.K. on DVD for a much higher price. I think it would help you if you could get them to watch it. Wish I could do more for you.
Sorry but I still think Alex sacrificed you to save himself.
Hugs,
Carter
So how did Alex find out? Did you sit down and just tell him? Or did you try and make a move on him?
Austin, Michael D, and Shane are quite right.
I hope that you did tell Frank that your father made you quit and why! Also, yiou should stay in contact with him. He will be a good resource. And tell Nicholas and find out once and for all if he is gay, as well.
I've said it before, but you definitely should spend more time with your cousin and see if she knows any available guys at her school, etc.
Also, I would email Alex (his mom can't be intercepting those, can she?) and tell him that you are disappointed that despite that he should understand what you are going through, he has turned his back on you. be nice about it : ) and remind him how you were there for him right from the beginning when he arrived.
Make the most of the counselling, Josh - if he/she is not trying to change you.
most importantly: eat and do well in school!
You go Wayner! Yes, Josh. Go over to Alex's!! You are a man! Don't be treated like a kid.
And, you want to prove to all of them that this is NOT a phase!? Show them your blog! Seriously. Yeah, you might think there are some embarassing parts and there are. But this is the real you and they should see it. They will be more embarassed than you. And, you know why? Because all of the "silly" things you have done thinking of guys, Matt and your dad will have done all the same things thinking of girls. You think your dad never jerked off(eeewwww gross right)? not likely!!
Do it Josh. Make 'em read it.
And why haven't you ever sought out some gay youth group or center. Um, horny guys all in one place looking for other guys!?!? duh. No, seriously, you will find the support there you aren't getting at home!
josh we all love the bones of you .
this blog has reached like hundreds of followers just keep publishing josh we can all help you through this
G-STAR
How could anyone be disappointed in you?
There are three people that disappoint me, though.
If Alex had to change schools due to anti-gay harassment, he knows what it's like to be hated for it, regardless of whether he is or not. Outing you to his mum was way out of line, unless she pushed him into telling her.
Alex's mum knows the torment gay kids suffer, thanks to the treatment of Alex at his previous school. To out you to your father was unconscionable. I'm not disappointed with her, though, I'm disgusted.
Your dad's reaction is pretty awful, but at least he's not kicked you out of house, as still happens to kids these days. Any reputable counselor will not try to make you straight, but, rather, help you deal with being gay. If (s)he tries that BS, refuse to go. I agree with the others who've said your counselor needs to explain to dad that you're still Josh, sexual orientation isn't a choice, and it's absolutely not a mental illness or moral deficiency.
Hi, I did leave a comment earlier too, but I just wanted to know if you could tell us all why he think you need counselling? Or why you can't have your toothbrush with everybody elses?
I also forgot to say that you haven't let anybody down, not your dad, sister, friends, us or most importantly yourself!
I think from reading your blogs for 3 years, you are a really nice guy who just wants to have agood time.
I still can't believe your dads reaction...it really was a bad one! So many parents try that "it's only a phase" thing, but then to put the rest of his rant on you...well makes me feel sick.
You have my complete support...I sent you a message via formspring and it still stands. It came from 94josh@....
I can offer you an outlet if you choose too!
Please take care of yourself and keep posting! Even that could help.
Love and hugs
Josh xxx
Alex's behavior suddenly makes sense... I remember you telling us how moody he would become each time one of the girls would joke about you two being lovers. It fits perfectly to the profile of the taunted kid who got picked at in his previous school.
I wouldn't be so fast to determine he's not gay, or potentially gay. He's probably just petrified of the thought of being considered one, given past trauma. Hearing you are gay sent him into panic and questioning his sexuality, he had to share it with his mom because such revelation hit him right where it matters him most.
He's emotionally scarred about being called gay, figures... Everything makes sense now - all that remains is for you to complete the picture for us by telling us what went wrong and how did he found out.
wow, that's some story. you have not dissapointed me at all, think you have a great friend in matt, cherish that. as for you dad, sigh, thats a sad story, he might turn round, and if not, let him be his poor self. make new friends, be honest and have a good life bein' who you really are. love, joor...
One thing that isn't clear from your recent posts: Did you get to say everything to Alex you wanted to before he cut off contact, and things went completely pear-shaped?
If yes, then I think you just have to wait it out.
If the answer is no, I have a suggestion.
Write Alex a letter. A good old-fashioned ink-on-paper, delivered-in-an-envelope-with-a-stamp-on-it letter. Ask his mother for permission first - that will show you still want to keep in touch, but are respecting his need for space.
Why a letter? Texts and emails are easy to delete. A phone conversation demands an immediate response, and he may not be ready for that yet. A letter will get his attention (when do you think the last time someone wrote one to him?). It's more permanent than an email. It shows some effort. And it shows he still means something to you, even after everything that has happened.
Josh, I can't add anything useful to all the other comments except to say if you were my son I'd be so proud of you. You'll meet some great guys at college and this summer will just be a memory. Hope you can keep some of your old friends though. You're fine, so dump the counsellor. Hugs.
Hi Josh, 3 year silent reader here from US. With your recent developments I would be cruel not to try and show some support for you. Well I was so sad to read of what you are going through, and having gone through my own coming out about 8 1/2 years ago, all that your wrote is like opening up an old wound on me. I can at least tel you, from experience, to hang in there. There is nothing wrong with you, in fact you are great, sweet, caring guy.
I'm not sure where to start, joshiexxx...
1. Yeah dad's being a dick, but that can change, especially if you stand up for yourself. Maybe Matt can clue him in a bit? And Val?
2. I seem to remember that Nicholas helped you get the last job, ask for more leads. Just don't let dad know he is helping you.
3. Even if the counselor is not the greatest, as long a he tells u it is OK to be gay, and LISTENS to you... that is one person who supports you. Sometimes a less than perfect person still knows a lot!
4. Tell the counselor that your DAD is the major twat now and making you way crazy! Give the counselor permission to discus/tell dear old dad how much he is hurting you. You might be surprised how a "chat" with you 3 all in one room might help. Have the counselor act as referee. LOL
5. Finally, that disappointed stuff is all crapola. Get beyond that soon. And as much as you might doubt it, Val could be your biggest hero right now. It seems she is sticking around and that means dad at least likes her. Try to talk to her alone. Tell her how dad hurt you. I think maybe she can "straighten" him out.
hugs galore
steevo
.
I'm so sorry Josh, I know that pain you are feeling, but I will never know just how you are feeling.
Took a lot of balls for his mom to out you like that, if she would go that far to out you to your dad, Alex could be very afraid of what she would do or say to him, I just have trouble believing he is not gay. The way he acted with you, and all he went through at his old school, how did that get started. Just too much pain for him to deal with it so denial is the way out.
I know, I went through that myself, and would have told anyone anything to get the attention off of me..... my denial.....took a long time for me to admit it to myself.
If your dad gets mental and ranting at you about being gay and all his crap about family name and bringing your mum ( I can't even put to words what I think of him doing that) in on it just to shame you, remind him that you being gay is about YOU.....NOT HIM, and to get over himself, I hope he is not that selfish. I have two kids around your age and nothing is ever bad enough to act like he has been with you.
I'm kinda new-ish to your blog but, love it!
I was reading this and I was happy then you posted and got sad, then happy, then sad, and then happy! :). I'm sorry that Alex took your coming out the wrong way. I think it was a jerk move to tell his mom. But what can you do? It's sad that your dad isn't taking it well but i totally get you. When I came out to my dad he did not take it well either. And he still doesn't. But at least Matt understands.
Good luck! :)
Part 1
About Alex's mom:
She sure did not handle this well... at all. But I am not sure she deserves total condemnation. She's a mom who had a son persecuted for 2 years who TELLS her he is NOT gay... maybe because he is terribly afraid to tell her he is, let alone admit it to himself. She may well have been willing to accept that he is gay. His mom may have tried to get him to admit he is gay, but he just can't, just as neither could YOU. Neither Alex nor you are fully mature well experienced adults who have sorted out your sexuality completely. So if you feel Alex has done wrong by you, try to be in his shoes for a bit. She may have harassed and scorned him so much he could not resist. His dad may have been in on it too.
BUT his mom n dad may have tried to help him, tell him they are OK if he is gay, they still love him, etc. Or his history of having been BULLIED for 2 years may have sent them off the deep end and Alex may think he will disappoint them. There are many ways this all may have happened. And you have left out details that make it tricky to see what all may have gone down.
You are not supposed to call him, but can you email him? If you want to be his friend and not do "the gay" with him, just say so. You could admit you "fancied" him, but if it is not mutual then you still want him as a friend and maybe you 2 need to work on the friendship. If he says he wants to not have contact with you, simply say you are sorry if you hurt him, and he he changes his mind you will be willing to talk it all out or perhaps work on rebuilding the friendship.
As to dad: if you cant talk, send him a letter/email. Say what you have told us here. Tell him how hurt you are and that some of his reactions are totally ignorant and he should get himself educated.
You could also send him links with info for parents or the names of books.
I found this right away:
http://www.pflag.co.uk/
It looks very good. Ask Nicholas for suggestions. He may be willing to talk to your dad.
part 2
And as I said in a previous comment yesterday, see what Val has to say. If they are in their 40s or 50s, most people that age are OK with gay or can learn to understand. They have not been brainwashed by parts of society that are idiots. Dad's behavior is bizarre, but he did get you to a counselor perhaps because you even admitted "ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head." That sounds serious and is a VERY good reason to send you to a counselor. That shows some insight on dad's part and means he can learn to understand. It also means he KNOWS and ADMITS that he cant help you right now, but he wants to get you help!!!
As I have said before, if he went to uni...Val too, the chances are very good that they do not hate gays, but maybe dad is just so overwhelmed and shocked that he is being very weirdo. He does not appear to be a grizzled old sod carrier or ditch digger that lives for his pint in the pub. Your family seems affluent what with cars and remodels for em's BF FFS! That means he is likely rather sophisticated and with time will calm down and get his shit together, as we say over here!
Trust the counselor please. Even if he is not your cuppa tea, he may be very good at educating dad! Or ask him for ways to help dad. Counselors do not get rich and in my experience most of them are sincere. So they likely are people who want to help. God knows you need some help not because you are gay, but because you were outed and now you hafta set things right. And dear old dad needs tons more help than you. Trust Matt. He sounds like a great guy and must be a saint to put up with all em's nonsense. Of course she may have other sterling attributes that you may not appreciate, being her brother and not her lover.
OK this is too long now. As always, just please consider my ideas and all the others from people all over Earth who care for you. We suggest; you decide. Just keep an open mind.
Hugs galore!
steevo
.
p.s. This post was one of the best examples of great writing that you have produced. You have a great talent with words. You may not see it, but as an educator I know I am right! So, there! You express yourself very well and people read and know almost instantly how you feel and what you think. That is the essence of great writing! Your descriptive abilities are impressive. You have people of all ages following your exploits, and all of them cant be pervs! But dont show the fam th blog. BAD IDEA!
Part 1
About Alex's mom:
She sure did not handle this well... at all. But I am not sure she deserves total condemnation. She's a mom who had a son persecuted for 2 years who TELLS her he is NOT gay... maybe because he is terribly afraid to tell her he is, let alone admit it to himself. She may well have been willing to accept that he is gay. His mom may have tried to get him to admit he is gay, but he just can't, just as neither could YOU. Neither Alex nor you are fully mature well experienced adults who have sorted out your sexuality completely. So if you feel Alex has done wrong by you, try to be in his shoes for a bit. She may have harassed and scorned him so much he could not resist. His dad may have been in on it too.
BUT his mom n dad may have tried to help him, tell him they are OK if he is gay, they still love him, etc. Or his history of having been BULLIED for 2 years may have sent them off the deep end and Alex may think he will disappoint them. There are many ways this all may have happened. And you have left out details that make it tricky to see what all may have gone down.
You are not supposed to call him, but can you email him? If you want to be his friend and not do "the gay" with him, just say so. You could admit you "fancied" him, but if it is not mutual then you still want him as a friend and maybe you 2 need to work on the friendship. If he says he wants to not have contact with you, simply say you are sorry if you hurt him, and he he changes his mind you will be willing to talk it all out or perhaps work on rebuilding the friendship.
As to dad: if you cant talk, send him a letter/email. Say what you have told us here. Tell him how hurt you are and that some of his reactions are totally ignorant and he should get himself educated.
You could also send him links with info for parents or the names of books.
I found this right away:
http://www.pflag.co.uk/
It looks very good. Ask Nicholas for suggestions. He may be willing to talk to your dad.
part 2
And as I said in a previous comment yesterday, see what Val has to say. If they are in their 40s or 50s, most people that age are OK with gay or can learn to understand. They have not been brainwashed by parts of society that are idiots. Dad's behavior is bizarre, but he did get you to a counselor perhaps because you even admitted "ive felt so sad its made me vom, ive not been eating or sleeping properly and i propr look like a druggie smack head." That sounds serious and is a VERY good reason to send you to a counselor. That shows some insight on dad's part and means he can learn to understand. It also means he KNOWS and ADMITS that he cant help you right now, but he wants to get you help!!!
As I have said before, if he went to uni...Val too, the chances are very good that they do not hate gays, but maybe dad is just so overwhelmed and shocked that he is being very weirdo. He does not appear to be a grizzled old sod carrier or ditch digger that lives for his pint in the pub. Your family seems affluent what with cars and remodels for em's BF FFS! That means he is likely rather sophisticated and with time will calm down and get his shit together, as we say over here!
Trust the counselor please. Even if he is not your cuppa tea, he may be very good at educating dad! Or ask him for ways to help dad. Counselors do not get rich and in my experience most of them are sincere. So they likely are people who want to help. God knows you need some help not because you are gay, but because you were outed and now you hafta set things right. And dear old dad needs tons more help than you. Trust Matt. He sounds like a great guy and must be a saint to put up with all em's nonsense. Of course she may have other sterling attributes that you may not appreciate, being her brother and not her lover.
OK this is too long now. As always, just please consider my ideas and all the others from people all over Earth who care for you. We suggest; you decide. Just keep an open mind.
Hugs galore!
steevo
.
p.s. This post was one of the best examples of great writing that you have produced. You have a great talent with words. You may not see it, but as an educator I know I am right! So, there! You express yourself very well and people read and know almost instantly how you feel and what you think. That is the essence of great writing! Your descriptive abilities are impressive. You have people of all ages following your exploits, and all of them cant be pervs! But dont show the fam th blog. BAD IDEA!
Hey Josh, I feel for you with your Dad's attitude. No wonder you wanted to stay in the closet. My suggestions:
Put that toothbrush back in there. He will soon tire of moving it
Tell Frank that Dad made me do it! Frank knows you are gay and he will understand. If you want your job back, ask for it back.
If Nicholas does not know tell him and as he is a friend of Alex too, maybe Nicholas can talk to Alex... sounds like he is is discreet enough to help you both to deal with both your issues.
Don't waste the opportunity you have with the counsellors. Make it clear to them that you are gay, you accept that and have known for bloody ages - use them to help on working on your relationships with those that you love, including Alex.
Don't forget your friends, you have been there for Jamie, he will be there for you. You other friends will gradually (or damn quickly) find out and you got to take it as it comes
YOu do do have the perfect opportunity with your new school - as you meet new friends be open about it - lets face it the most important people to you already know, so you can be open to every new person you meet and proud about yourself from here on in.
Anyone who has been through this knows your pain. But you also need to understand what others have to go through some pain of their own, before they can accept that you are still the same person that they loved before. We don't get to choose if we are straight or gay. I've often thought it would be a nice option, but we just can't change that, we are who we are - end of story.
Unfortunately your family & friends, including Alex (assuming he is not gay) will take some time to get used to what is a huge adjustment for them. You are still welcome at home so your Dad obviously still loves you. He needs time to get used to the fact that what he dreamed for you is not likely to happen. I’m sure you will make him proud no matter what. Em has probably suspected it for years; women seem to have a sixth sense about these things. Matt seems pretty cool, he will be a good friend.
Try not to lose your family & your home -it will be a safe haven and always be a place where you are welcome for celebration & when times get tough. Hey, I don't know what sort of councillor you have; sometimes they can be good value. Sometimes they are the only people you can REALLY be honest with. If they are not trying to help YOU, try to get one that will.
Hope you start to feel more positive soon, life can be such a bitch but you have to realise how many lives you have touched in such a short time. Your blog is a joy to read and believe it or not you are important part of many lives. Most of us have been through this s**t before, so stay in touch & hopefully we will get you through it. Mate if we didn't care, you wouldn't have a blog with with all these people asking about your wellbeing.OK!
Very sorry to hear what a hard time you're having, Josh. Please take my love, along with the 100+ posters here.
Alex has abused and betrayed you 4 or 5 times this year. We know he's untrustworthy and we know he's an abuser. He's not the person you thought he was and he's not the friend you wanted him to be. Get him out of your life. Delete him from your computer and phone. You need to end this destructive relationship in order to have a good, new beginning. Eventually you will be much happier without him.
When your father told you that your Mother would be disappointed in you, he had one motive, and that was to hurt you. His actions are despicable. Of course we knew from your past posts that he was kind of a jerk; we just didn't know he was a despicable asshole.
Josh, I don't understand your lack of anger at the way you've been abused by Alex, his mother the cunt, and the despicable asshole. I understand that we have to forgive everybody in order to be happy, but first we have to get angry. It's a form of self-protection. I was so angry and sad when I read your post last night that it took me 3 hours to get to sleep.
My suggestion would be for you to make a commitment to have a happy life filled with love and joy. Forget about the new laptop, iphone, designer clothes, etc. and save every penny so you can move out as soon as feasible. You will be amazed to find how good it feels to be in your own apartment or dorm room.
Please Josh, try to force yourself to eat right. Having a healthy body and mind and attitude will do wonders for you.
As always, my love and hugs to you.
jason
Josh I want to apologize for my previous harsh comments I made about Alex. When I read your latest post it made me very upset and angry and I directed that anger toward Alex. I still believe he could have handled the situation better and avoided what has happened but considering the problems he had in the past he was probably in survival mode and wasn’t thinking straight. The only thing that really matters is how you feel about Alex and how he feels about you. That is something the two of you will have to work out when he is ready. Do not let anyone else influence the two of you; not his parents, your family, friends and especially your counselor not even us. The decisions should be yours and Alex’s.
My earlier comments were out of line and I hope you except my apology.
Carter
josh has shaken up the gay blog-o-sphere. Evryone that writes and everyone that reads gay mens blogs are up in arms about how our favorite little guy is being treated at home.--i want to come with a sign and wave in front of your house as a protest--"Treat gay Josh better "---the sign will say
Hey Josh, how about a new profile picture? What's this one, like three years old?
Josh, been sensing your distress and been meaning to post a supportive comment for a while.
At school i fell in love with straight guys. At university i fell in love with straight guys. I came out to my closest friends (who by and large stuck by me - and i still see most of them years later) but never my parents, which maybe i regret.
I guess I feel I blew my chance of future happiness by hanging on waiting for straight boys to change their minds, whilst i never really knew my own.
Now, i'm much older than you and wish i had your wit, courage and strength. Your blog has been a source of inspiration to me and i keep returning to it as a silent admirer.
Make sure your councillor is there for you and not your dad or some other crappy bigot that wants life to be dull and uncluttered by complications.
Draw a line, go to college, gather your strength and live to fight another day.
Sometimes you have to loose the battle to win the war.
I hardly know you, but i love you tons.
Skweeks
Oh my god, that is really rough! I was starting to get worried because you weren't posting so I had a funny feeling something big had happened!
I'm so sorry about Alex and its really dumb that your life has been turned upside down just because you're "different"!
Like you said, a fresh start is what you need! Congrats on goin to college, I'm goin too so its a new and exciting chapter in both our lives. Good luck finding a job too, I gotta get looking myself!
Keep on posting, your're the sole reason I started blogging and look where I am today, so don't give up buddy!
I know I'm just another comment but I just thought I'd speak my mind!
Long time reader...
JB
http://memyselfndmyhand.blogspot.com/
Dude.... wow
It's awful to be outed like this - not on your own terms.
You're a great person, hopefully your dad will change his mind. Some of the stuff he said is just mental, I can't believe it. This must be so hard for you.
Don't know what else to say. Except that after rain comes sunshine.
My thoughts are with you
Plan to leave home asap, you sixteen yet? you can get help from the LGBT.
Curious 9 September 2010 20:41 makes a LOT of sense. Good sleuthing. Maybe deep down alex was and is attracted to you and does not understand it. But with all his history at the other school... And who knows about his mom. She may be doing her best for her son who has been picked on so much.
http://sinelogicum.blogspot.com/2009/08/always-hard-evening-with-josh.html
I saw this. From a year or so ago. I am sure it is fiction, but there is a lot to think about in it.
Josh,
Many on here have had similar experiences and they were indeed very hard to deal with. Its now been about 20 years since my experience like that. Looking back I would not change a thing. It was tough for a while, but I got through it and life is much better for it. It is hard to see on the other side of this thing, but it will happen and you will be much happier for it. Stick in there and stay strong. (big hugs and love)
Gary in Texas
Please, Josh, tell us that you didn't just leaves your job without Frank without any explanation. That would be letting your dad make a jerk out of you. I really hope that you will go back to your job there, despite what you have been forced to do. You liked the job, Frank was a decent boss and a nice guy, and most importantly a sympathetic, gay resource and potential support for you.
Tell your dad that you cannot find anything else if you have to and tell him you are going back!
Did he specifically tell you that you had to quit because Frank is gay!?
very drunk at the moment, but its th only way 2 b real. Y is it so hard 2 come out that u r gay, my reason is that evry1 will h8 me, but its who i am, so i cant change, i wish i would hav th freinds i hav now b4 i com out that im gay, but i jus wont, josh, u r very brave and i admire the fact hat uv come out 2 th person u love, well done and i hope u will b able 2 get over alex, but th fact is that u will always hav a soft spot 4 him, dont 4get about him jus adapt, simon, th guy i like will never know how i feel, n ive let myself down bcos of it. i hope 2 1 day b as brave as u wer hang in ther eat sleep and make friends, 4get everyin, ur dad will jus hav 2 accept, i wish i had th confidence 2 do wat u did Arun the fact is like u will hav 2 find somebody that'll lov u as u r, im 18 si dont tink ur th only person goin through it
oi joshy... all I can say is...
<3
good luck, kiddo... coming out is hard... and you'll have alot more bois that you love that will break your heart.
You'll find the right one.
You're in my prayers, hun.
I really don't think you should show your family your blog Josh (Anon 9 September 2010 17:03). That's a terrible idea. If your dad made you quit your job and move your toothbrush away from theirs, he'll take your computer and internet connection away from you as well.
I don't know that Alex necessarily snitched on you on purpose. If he suddenly cuts off all contact with his best friend, his mum's going to start asking questions and maybe she just got it out of him because he's a bad liar or something.
He still could be gay too. If he knows his mum's a colossal bitch, and everyone from his last school was being as arsehole about it, and if he knows he might have to go through the same shit as you when he comes out, he might want to keep it a secret till he leaves home and I don't really blame him. It doesn't sound like the most progressive area you live in unless you've just been unlucky with your friends and family.
Ditching his best friend is a bit much but I'm sure we all made questionable decisions in our teens.
Joshie,
nobody here is disappointed by anything you do or have done. After all it's your life, live it for yourself, not what others want.
Get Dad to do some online reading, you may have to produce a list of sites for him to check. There's http://www.fflag.org.uk for a start. and www.oxfordfriend.co.uk/ may help.
Hugs and kisses. It can only get better from here.
For god's sake, don't write Alex a letter as recommended by someone here. Seriously, make no attempt to contact him, wait and see if he contacts you and if he doesn't its his loss.
Seriously though, don't put pen to paper. I speak from experience, it can go really bady wrong. Alex is being a dick, and dick's do stupid things, like showing letters, texts, emails to everyone. I've been there, and ended up having to change schools over it. Verbal is the only way, but frankly I'd drop him from a height after what he's done to you.
Disappointed? Never - but very proud that you're coming to terms with an awful summer holiday.
Alex: well, we don't know the full story, but he sounds like he's had a rough time in the past and he got scared. In time, I hope you'll still be friends.
Matt: Go Matt!! He's turning into more of a father figure than your Dad.
Dad: the toothbrush comment is really low... Try cleaning the loo with his... And his other comment was really mean. Mums love their sons NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. I'm sure yours would be proud of the man you're becoming - gay or str8, you're a great young man and she'd know that.
Job: it sucks leaving Frank's, but bound to be a shop in South Parade that needs someone like you.
Hope college is going well. Take care mate. Damian x
You young guys have a very supportative network and the tools to communicate openly.
I wish we had the support like this in the 1960's when I was a teen. There is love there on so many levels. Be proud of who you are and what courage you display. Never feel bad about yourself, just try to make something positive out of every day and opportunity. So many of us missed out on this movement you get to experience.
know that you are loved
Josh:
I knew something big must have happened. I guess Alex discovered you were gay after your weekend sleepover?
Its must be hard dealing with your dad and the doctor. It will be good at college. Soon you can be on your own and live your life.
Your mother would only want to see you happy. Mothers love is unconditional.
You can't live your life as your dad wishes. There are options for you to have kids if that is what you want. Not all straight guys have kids.
Stay strong and don't let anyone confuse you. You know your heart and you can't choose to be straight.
I love you. I feel for you. I will keep you in my heart.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss
Love and hugs.
Oh, and don't panic.
A fresh start in college will be good.
I stayed in the same school for sixth form, so I got my fresh start last year when I started university.
If you're open about being gay from the beginning, dropping it into a conversation and not making a big deal about it everyone should be fine with it.
I haven't met one person who's found it to be a problem since then, and I'm mainly friends with straight guys.
That was Ugly, but one day you will be glad it has already pass. Thank god you have Matt. (love Matt) it's really sweet of him. Anyways, glad that you are still standing. The sun rises everyday. There are new rays of light everyday. This too shall pass. Glad you are okay, boy.
Regardless of how anyone feels about you you've got to be your biggest ally. From what I've read in your blog, you've got a strong sense of self, you know who you are. People who are not willing to support who you are shouldn't remain as important to you... but you should always remain important to yourself. And love yourself. It is so easy to internalize the influx of negative feelings and opinions over who you are, but you've got to let it all pass over you as much as you can. As long as you remain true to yourself and remain your biggest ally then the other people will fall into place naturally. You will find the people who do support you, but they aren't as important as you supporting yourself and loving yourself. It is extremely nice to have those people, though, too. So don't give up on some of your friends... and family members. Some people who don't initially understand may never reach a point to which their understanding satisfies you. Which is why when you are your biggest ally you will find it is easier to deal with. Love yourself! That is the most important thing I feel I want to say because when you love yourself then it is almost automatic that you will also be your own ally. Stand up for yourself. Counselors and family members and friends and complete strangers like me will all tell you without thought exactly what they think whether it be positive or negative. If it is negative, then you can always stand up for yourself even if it's to your own father. His thinking has to change in order for you to ever accept him as an supportive figure in your life. It may not be an automatic change or may never fully occur to your satisfaction, but I hope it does. I know what it feels like to not have supportive parents! I hope that counselor isn't trying to convince you to be someone you aren't because if so he's being more of a bigot than a counselor. Stay true to yourself, love yourself and be your biggest ally, allow people to be there for you and accept as much as you can those who aren't.
Anon 12 September 2010 13:22 &
Anon 9 September 2010 17:03
Obviously Josh is going to do what he feels is best and probably won't and perhaps shouldn't show his blog to anyone, but ...
If his father thinks that moving toothbrushes, saying mean shit, and taking away computer and internet access is going to solve anything, than he needs to be shown that he is WRONG!
Josh, do not allow yourself to be pushed around. You don't have to be confrontational or rude, but you do need to explain how it hurts when you are told your mom would be disappointed and that you are so "diseased" that your toothbrush can't be near others. You need to firmly but politely, convincingly but emotionally tell your family that you are a human being with feelings, feelings that are on edge at the moment and that it is your famliy that you are counting on to pick you up and support you through this. I like the idea someone else posted of leaving heartfelt notes around the house proclaiming your homosexuality and asking for respect.
And, if your father ever decides that your computer and the internet need removing to save your gay soul, than just remind him that because you can't get the support you need at home, you turn to all of your friends online to counsel you, cheer you on, and support you through these rough times.
And, point out to him that it will probably be very difficult for a college student studying IT to be very successful without a computer and internet access.
Hang in there, Josh. Stay calm, but demand respect!
If you're not doing already, you might want to start erasing your tracks (ie browsing history) everytime you get off the internet. Especially if it's a shared computer. Your dad might come snooping around and find your blog and flip when he finds all us "paedophiles" encouraging you to keep going with your "silly phase."
Oh, Josh, I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time of it dude. I've read alot of the other comments and I don't think there's alot I can add really. They certainly go to show how many people are thinking about you though, and there is some great advice there for you. I'd say you are smart enough to take all the best advice here and make decisions to help yourself through these times. Stay strong, don't be scared to stand up for yourself with your dad, I've never heard anything so ridiculous as what he came out with to you! tell him to step into the 21st century. Above all though, carry on being yourself...believe me, in the long run you will get heaps more respect that way. Take care dude, Gary, Australia X
You are such a stand up guy, Josh. I'm 31 and I couldn't cope with what you're going through as well as you are.
Some quotes from people who knew where their towel was:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe, film icon
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
- Miss Piggy
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
— Mark Twain
"A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway."
— Elbert Hubbard
Love and Hugs
the rebel in me says: Get a job at a florist, or an art supply store, or perfume and make-up, or a steam room full of half naked men. ANYTHING to perpetuate ridiculous stereo-types and to get your dad's goat.
Secondly, I'd make sure dad sees you eating from the left overs by "double dipping" your fork into them instead of using a separate plate. Drink the juice from the carton. HA HA! You'll get yelled at, but eventually he'll learn that you can't give him diseases that way.
Hey Josh, how about a quick update? just a few words. you're still approving comments, that's a good sign. we're just concerned, is all.
Hey Josh,
Glad Matt vocalized his support to you. And I think Alex will come around eventually, he just needs to realize you're the same person today that you were before you came out.
That shit about the toothbrush. The only thing I can think of is to let out your anger at him about that. That is ignorant and should be squashed soon. You are NOT some second class, carbon copy of the son he had before he found out you were gay.
For a long time you've been practicing your voice and arguments here online. Now is the time to use you're real voice.
I think you should read this article. It's from a mother's perspective. I came across it just a few days ago.
http://tinywarrior.livejournal.com/179683.html
HI Josh you may not know it/feel like it but you are being very courageous. We are proud of the way you have been handling this situation. Coming out is a bitch...even worse when you are outed! I wish all the straight people could truly understand what gay people go through. Be true to yourself!
Word Verification = boycis LOL
what's going on Josh? How's school? what are your classes like? are you spending enough time studying? education means options, options mean freedom
AUUGH
Auugh !
Joshie - - #1 most important thing for you to learn from this - - don't ever apologize for who you are or what you are or what you think. Take a look at the hundreds of comments here and understand that there are probably thousands more people here who love you and respect you for what you are.
Whatever Alex's Mom was thinking that was an awful thing to do and from what you have told us Alex is NOT straight. If he has this awful women as his mom, of course he will never be able to admit this but he is definitely not straight.
Your dad will pop his head out of his backside soon too. He didn't mean what he said about your Mom - - he was just a little freaked out. I am happy that you have Matt there to be an ally for you.
If you are able to talk to Nicholas, do so - - he is a good friend and won't judge you.
Lastly, anyone who has read your writing before knows that you are very smart,kind, a great friend and a terrific writer. Now that you will be starting a new school progra,m , take it as an opportunity to make new friends and make the life that you want,that you need and that you deserve.
We ALL love you. We ALL want is best for you and we will ALL do ANYTHING we can to help you. Ask us.
Michael Diamond, I think I love you. You absolutely need to do this, Josh. I'd add using other people's toothbrushes, if you can stomach it, but that's pretty gross.
when u gonna fuckin write something
Josh, you are NOTTT a disappointment ffs. There is always at least TWO coming outs whenever a gay person reveals who he is, the one coming out, and the one he tells. The person(s) learning the truth also go thru a period of coming out in a sense, in that they must now deal with the truth as well. It took you a solid piece of time for you to accept the notion about yourself that you are gay, it will take a bit of time for others too. I also think that for those who hear it, especially the younger someone is, it is not as much a deal as it might be for the one who is gay; in other words, "You're gay? OH. Now would someone please pass me the brussel sprouts?" Watch what other people do carefully, you may be amazed. I hope that's true for you in a very good way. Sheesh, I said all that? I'm not even a psychoanimalist. p.s. we have been there ...
Hi Josh,
Even though you have not updated your blog for 10 days, this is a supplement to my note of 8 Sept. Just let you know I/we are still thinking about you and hoping that things are getting better for you.
Lots of love
I can only imagine how much this all must hurt and suck right now, but I'm honestly kind of happy for you. I'm slightly unsure what "everything" Alex told his mom, but from what I remember reading you didn't do anything wrong. You had a crush, but you were always such a good friend. He is just too immature to realize that. Your dad will 1.) calm down eventually and 2.) play a smaller role in your life as you get older and attain your own independence. It sucks that you had to come out like this, but now you will never have to pretend to be straight and secretly crush on boys from school. A whole new (and trust me, amazing) world has just opened up to you, and from what I can tell of your personality I'm sure you'll eat it up and love it. Being straight is boring. I wouldn't trade being gay for anything in the world.
-Tommy in Boston
wow thats intense... and being thrown out of the closet like that must have been tough... wish you the best, and hope the "new" you, has some super fun and awesome times ;)...
*HUGS*
What a wonderful blog this is. And you Josh sound like a fantastic person. I have been gripped as I read post after post. I pray to God that all works out well for you.
Josh, don't know whether your Dad watches TV, but the last episode of "Waterloo Road" could have a message for him. It's on the BBC iPlayer at:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00tt8qj/Waterloo_Road_Series_6_Episode_4/
Hugs
Good Luck with college, I work for Apple, I know your a machead! :) You got a great course. It's a new start and exactly what you need. In time you will look back and see it as a turning point in your life for the better. Your dad is an asshole, but in time he will get over it and be different. Your family still love you. And, most importantly of all . . you haven't let anybody down. Alex isn't for you and although its difficult now, long term - your far better off. There's a world of people out there for you to meet and you will meet them! :)
Josh!!!
Please, please, please drop us a few lines.
Me and my friend are so anxious to hear from you.
Even if you write something like "f... off, I am no mood to blog!"
We sincerely hope you are coming around. The world will become bearable again, just give it its time.
And remember, we will be always here for you.
You are never a disappointment...REMEMBER THAT!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Hey Josh: I wish I had known of this before it happened. I could have suggested that you find a way to London to attend - A rally against the Pope's views on homosexuality
Anyway, enjoy these pictures of a really cute boy who did attend. Perhaps, the accompanying article can lead you to some organizations to reach out to, or just inspire you in some way.
Keep your head up, Josh. When you're ready, let us know what's going on.
Duh! I forgot the link. Here it is:
http://deejohn-thebeautyhunter.blogspot.com/2010/09/cute-boys-at-london-anti-pope-march-and.html
Joshie we miss you! Please come back!
we deserve a little something. We been reading your blog for almost 3 years and now there's something exciting to write about you're gonna clam up.--Tell us about college --about how you came out to Alex--About what a perv the counselor said your are...can u put your toothbrush back with the family? Anything P.S...I hope your OK..not done anything rash or stupid
It gets better:
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject
We believe in you, Josh. Keep going strong.
Be strong Joshie - give us an update when you feel up to it...
Josh has killed himself.
A final comment to you:
After noticing that you've deleted your last three years posted, and stopped adding new material, I've come down to the feeling you are on the verge of ending this blog.
Respectfully, I've enjoyed your stories, could relate to alot of these mishaps, to a point that you've helped me with my own point of views. To this, I thank you!
Whether I be right or wrong about all of this, I wish you what you earn and deserve.
didn't really believe your blog awas real until now and I'll be honest with you. My best friend stopped hanging with me cause he kinda found out I was gay but he always knew really... We used to do all sorts of gay stuff and talk about blowin each other but I think for him it was a phaze for me it's real... But since then moved to college and believe me here no one cares! U'll be fine, I'm not going to say don't worry about what people think because thats what all the dumbasses who'v neva been thru anything say! But I will say pick up your pride and use college as an opportunity to reintroduce yourself as whomever u feel comfortable... and people at college will def not give a shit what your sexual orientation is!
hey Joshie,
just a short notice that people are still thinking of you!
Guess you have your reasons not to post atm but just know that I wish you all the best!
Keep your head up, times will get better!
salomon
i hope your just really busy. u worry hundreds when u don't blog this long. seriously it makes me think u may have hurt yourself in a very serious way especially since u haven't been approving comments. but like i said i hope your just really busy.
Josh, Quit being a such a DILDO and tell us whats happening. We are all going to get together and delete your blog. Act like you got a pair of balls and push the publish button. For fuck sakes, go find a real homo and have a good life. I'll be hiding in the closet. good luck with that.
hey man hope you're doing better.
Joshie? Did you leave us? Please do write. We truely miss you! Please come back!
hey josh-
i just found your blog so i'm way behind on all of this. i read as much as time allowed to try and catch up. i pray that by this point you are beginning to find peace and healing about recent events. but from my heart, i am so incredibly sorry for all that has happened to you and the hurt that you've endured. from what i've read, you are a wonderful person and i hope you are finding happiness.
the reason that i am writing (even if so late) is that i have been where you are and i almost let it end my life. but i am certain that there is so very much more to you than this and i promise with all that is in me there is GREAT life ahead for you - life that you will love and people that you will love and you will be very happy. i am certain of that. what you have endured and are enduring (while incredibly painful) will make you stronger as well as more understanding/loving/compassionate. it is an awful and painful process and i wouldn't go through it again if i had my choice. but because of that period in my life i can honestly say that even though i don't know you, i understand your hurt and can empathize with you. i can also honestly say that i love you, josh and will pray for you as you go forward. again, my promise that there is GREAT life ahead for you.
sincerest affection, bro-
jeff
p.s. sorry this is so behind. i'm kinda slow.
Deleting the last 3 years blogging is a good step - so don't bitch about it. If Alex tells anyone that Josh knows, and they do some googling and come across the blog it will get much worse. Even if you stop blogging Josh - and I don't blame you if you do - you should also remove the "boys I want To Shag" bit - that won't do you any favours!
Seriously though - if you are giving up the blog you should post a goodbye entry - quite a few of your readers seem to be getting quite uptight about being ignored - not they have any right to but people on the net can be a bit weird ;-'
Bye Harry. You were probably one of those bozos who tried to make this blog more action-packed by goading Josh into pouncing on Alex, and look how well that worked out.
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